Elise: A heart; beared, bared.

The Final Meter Sprint...

2010-05-02T18:03:00.005-04:00

The majority of my random thoughts and ideas and stuff have been transferred over to my LJ account. Mostly because it's private, and some of the things I've wanted to say lately, aren't necessarily things I want all eyes to read. But on Friday, here is a snippet of what I wrote, and I deemed an update here as well, fitting in the "big life moments" style that I have going here, that I continue this a bit and talk about what's to come.

--------

"Today might just be the weirdest day of my life. In the sense that, for the last sixteen years I've always had the same thing to wake up to in the morning. Get up, go to class, take a test, do the homework, pay attention, study, repeat. And now that's all about to change.

Guys, today was my last day of college.

I'm not really sure how I feel about this. Part of me is elated, obviously, like, hells yes! no more college! But the other part of me is freaking out. Freaking out is the wrong term, I'm actually quite complacent, considering, but just, on edge a bit about the future. Not even because I'm in the big people world now (well, come Saturday I will be anyway), but I think it's more, the lack of consistency. My life is about to get really complicated really fast, and I'm not sure what to make of that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very proud of myself. I've been working towards this for the majority, okay, basically my whole life, and here it is. All the pain and hard work and stress and frustration is culminating into this and I'm still a little too in shock for it to soak completely in yet. Ridiculous.

So, today I've decided I'm taking the day just for reflection. To not do anything, not study, not pack (which, I have a TON of to do), not a thing but just be. It feels like time has stopped, and I've decided that, for just one moment, I'm going to stop with it, a gift to myself, I suppose. Give myself some time to prepare for what comes next. And without further adieu, the contemplations and reflections of the day...

I think most of this stems from the fact that my Grandma won't be there to see me walk, to accept my diploma. Her one dream for me was to be a college graduate. When she was sick and I wanted to leave school two months early my junior year to take care of and be with her? She said absolutely not, and made me stay in school until the summer. That was literally one of the hardest things I've ever had to do (along with letting her go/watching her die/take care of her while she died/living without her, etc.). I've also come to find out that she made my Grandpa promise her that I would be the first one to graduate college, no matter what. When he told me that, I'm fairly certain I cried for a solid week. It will be very, very hard not being able to look up into the stands and try to find her like I did in high school. Not to see the pride in her eyes, or receive one of her amazing hugs. I know she'll "be there" and all that spiritual crap, but, I don't even care, it's not the same. She was the only person who always stood by me, no matter what, was proud of me, no matter what I did, loved me, no matter what happened, and I'm feeling that void now more than ever.

I called my mom on Friday to say, guess what, today was my last day of college. Was she excited? No. "Oh that's cool" she said. In that moment I felt the void because it wasn't my Grandma I was able to call and get excited with, like it normally would have been. To share how good it all feels, and today, more than anything, I miss her. But I'm not really "sad" about her not being here. It sucks, hardcore suckage, certainly, but, I just miss her. I'm not feeling the things that I normally would have in the past, I'm not in pain because of it, I don't want to cry, I'm not angry, I just look at the situation and feel, longing and desire that things could had been different and she could be here. It's a weird feeling for sure. Maybe I am really growing up from it, learning how to move on, maybe the acceptance part of this grief shit."

That's right, I can hardly believe it. I'm.Graduating.College."

-------

So yeah, that was my reflections from Friday. Things went down and I wasn't exactly able to enjoy my Friday like I had hoped, didn't get to sleep, didn't get to just "be", but I've taken the entire weekend to do just that. It's been absolutely wonderful. No phone calls, no attention needed from anybody, nothing but me, good music, a good book, snuggling, and peace. It's been a heavenly weekend. It's rained every day of it, hard, loud, pouring down rain. I've fallen asleep to that both nights, listened to the droplets beat on my windowsill, felt the cool mist that they created inside my room, heard them fall into the waiting puddles on the ground. And the thunder, oh man the thunder. It's one of my favorite things in the world. A spring storm. Nothing beats it. Nothing. I can honestly say, these last two days, have been some of the best in my life. There is a serenity to this kind of finality, I suppose. Sure I'm going to grad school, sure I'll always be in an education type career track, but this feels like the end of a journey. I can see the finish line, I can hear the crowd cheering, I'm rounding that last one-hundred meters, I'm sore, I'm exhausted, and I have to will my body to finish, beg with it, plead with it, fight with it. I have eight finals, and six of them? On Wednesday. But that finish line? The feeling of crossing it? Sprinting that last few feet? Perfection. I remember what that felt like. It was one of my favorite parts about swimming. That no matter how tired you were, how much pain you were in, how much your lungs ached to be able to breathe normally again, seeing that last wall come closer and closer? Amazing. This is my Olympic race, the one I've been waiting for my entire life, and I'm on track to do something amazing for myself. I'm close to beating my fastest time, I'm close to making history for myself, I'm close, oh so close.

My cheering section has dwindled somewhat, I suppose, people who said they wanted to be there, decided it wasn't worth it or whatever. Decided I wasn't worth it. And yeah, that hurts, a lot. I don't share myself with many, and this is a big part of myself, this achievement. But you know what? I have decided I don't need a cheering section. Why? Because this isn't for them. This is for me. This is my goal, the one thing I wanted for myself, this is for me. And this is also for her. The people who didn't want to be here can have the graduation party. This day? This walk? This moment? Hearing my name? This is for me. This is the one last thing I can give my Grandma.

Anyway.

I stayed up very last night listening to Norah Jones on Youtube and reminiscing about how much my Grandma and I loved her. I haven't really listened to her since she died. There was just something about hearing her songs, while lovely as always, they had some jade to them and I always clicked "next" when they came on. Last night? I couldn't get enough. I watched for hours, smiling, feeling warm inside for the first time in years. It was ironic that it took me back to my last day of high school, when my Grandma came and picked me up from school and we rode home with the biggest grins on our faces, Norah Jones blasting through the speakers. She told me over and over again on that ride home how proud she was of me. And instead of wallowing in the fact that she won't be there to say those words to me, I'm going to blast Norah Jones on the ride to the stadium and the morning before while I'm getting ready, and I'm going to hear her words, and I'm going to smile. Because while she may be gone and unable to create new memories with me, I have our past, and I can make that past my present for just one more moment, I can share this one last time with her.

So yeah, next weekend is a pretty big deal to me, obviously. I still have so much to get done before then. I have to pack, I did laundry Friday, I have to study, I have to get everything in order, so it should be pretty ridiculous, but slowly, painfully, this journey is coming to an end. And to be perfectly honest? I can't wait.

Song of the Moment: "In Your Eyes" - Sara Bareilles

Lyrics of the Moment:

"I never could have seen

Never could have seen this coming

The most amazing things

They arrive within a moment

I never could have seen

Never could have seen this coming on

You are here with me, I'm alive all of a sudden

Anyone can see, anyone can see it's beautiful"

The Cure

2010-01-16T20:39:00.004-05:00

This song is so incredibly beautiful. I want it on here.

The End of a Decade...

2009-12-31T00:21:00.004-05:00

I want to start this entry out with a quote that I find pretty amazing.

"What is family? They were the people who claimed you. In good, in bad, in parts or in whole, they were the ones who showed up, who stayed in there, regardless. It wasn’t just about blood relations or shared chromosomes, but something wider, bigger. We had many families over time. Our family of origin, the family we created, and the groups you moved through while all of this was happening: friends, lovers, sometimes even strangers. None of them perfect, and we couldn’t expect them to be. You can’t make any one person your world. The trick was to take what each could give you and build your world from it."
– Sarah Dessen

So, this whole thing about relationships. I was thinking about it today. My whole life, I never wanted one. Ever. I didn't want love, I didn't think boys were worth my time, I didn't think relationships were worth wasting energy on. I was the girl who was ok with being alone, ok with choosing not to date, ok just being. Sure I was made fun of for it, called a freak, anti-social, a loner, but I didn't really care. I realized early on that I didn't need other people to define my existence. Didn't need other people to share part of me with. And I was actually pretty happy.

Then she came along.

Yeah, I said she. Get over it.

:Side note:
I'm happy with who I am, and if you aren't, than just so you know, respectfully, you're missing out in knowing me.
:Resume:

She bulldozed the life out of me. She shook me up. She changed how I felt about love. In more ways than the good one. By bulldoze, I mean bulldoze. She broke me. Tore me apart. Ripped through my heart and my soul. Mostly because I gave it all willingly to her, unapologetically. I gave her my all. She made me into a cliche. And it pissed me off. I'm anything but a cliche. Nothing about me is norm. But I let her have me, and she decided to crush me. Whatever.

So, I moved on. Actually, I moved on really quickly. It took a dying Grandma and another girl, long story, don't ask, but I did. Part of what kept me with her, putting up with the abuse was the fact that I didn't have an out. I didn't know how to get out of it because I was so wrapped and tangled into it. Not a good place to be. Constantly fighting with your own head about whether or not it's love, "how can love be painful?" but you know..."love has to be enough"..."she really loves me, she just doesn't know how to show it". But love isn't enough. Infatuation isn't enough. But the thing about love is, it consumes you. You need it like a drug. But when it's a destructive drug, one that causes you pain, that love isn't enough.

"The crazy thing about love is, once you have it, once you can feel it take up every fiber of your being, love isn’t the scary thing anymore, losing it is."

Nothing is really ever enough, one must strive to change, strive to become better for the other person, better for oneself. That's what I lacked in that relationship, I wasn't growing or changing for the better. I became someone I wasn't, someone I didn't know. I pretended to like things so that we would have things to share. I wavered on what I thought was right and wrong to be with her because I loved her. I was not the person I was supposed to become. I was at an age when I should have been starting the path to discover those things, but instead, I moved back. Much farther back than I ever knew was possible.

I truly believe that when you find the person you're supposed to be with (not that soul mate crap) it's more like you'll find the person that you're meant to grow with. The person who is meant to help you grow into something and someone better. Life is a constant state of change and learning. Of growth. That's what that special person is meant to help you with, that journey. They're meant to be your co-pilot. Helping you by taking over the controls when you need a little break. Maybe even pressing the auto-pilot button for you when you just can't do it, so that they can just be there for you, hold you, comfort you. Someone who knows you well enough to know when to help and how. Someone who just knows you, without words or actions, because they've taken the time to learn. People who believe in soul mates are people who don't want to do the work. They want a quick fix, poof! a soul mate you is made for you so there's no work involved. No, the person that I'm speaking of, you pick and in return they pick you back. We know when people are good for us, when we just fit with someone. Mostly because both parties try. They work. The put in the effort. That's the person. That will be my person.

Anyway, here I am, 22 years old, only having ever been in serious relationships. Two to be exact. Well, one serious, one not going anywhere but still kinda serious serious. I've never even been on a date. I'm damaged goods. Like, seriously. I've had my heart crushed, shattered, bruised, and put back together at least 150 times. No joke, that's how many times GF #1 broke my heart. And I let her, so whatever, but still, like I said, very damaged.

So here I am, desperately holding onto myself. Trying to rebuild, reassess, reexamine who I am. Because I want someone to come and for me to not be so messed up. I want to be on a path of growth, of self-awareness when I meet the right one. And that is what 2009 has been for me. A journey. A life-altering journey, just as 2008 was. But through these last 2 years of journey I've learned so much about myself. I've literally learned how to be me. I've taken the steps necessary to get myself into a path of growth. A path where I'm ready to grow, to learn, to change. To keep growing, and learning, and changing. I'm on a path of setting up my own life, and it's a path where I'm happy, a path that I like.

2010 will be a big year. I'm graduating college. But surprisingly, that isn't the single most life changing event for me. I've already had those, two of them to be exact. Two very hard life altering things. So as far as I'm concerned, 2010 can only be an improvement. And I'm ok with that. I'm going to make the best out of 2010. But most of all, I'm going to be more open. I want to find someone again. I've changed from that kid who doesn't need people to an adult who wants to try to need people. To an adult who wants someone to share the good in me with. Because for once in my life, I think I deserve that. I'm at a point where I think I've earned it. I think one has to earn it. Work for it. And it isn't just through relationship experience.

For all intensive purposes, I'm a "newborn" (stole the word - eat it) in the relationship/lesbian thing. I don't have much experience, but I'm ok with that. I've been hiding the last four years. Because of my life status. If I found someone in KY, I'd move back to OH after graduation. If I found someone in OH, I'm probably moving to DC or MD. I've been hiding from relationships. Waiting for my life to begin its path into complete stability. It was just too complicated and I decided to hide out, put my heart on hold, etc. Instead, I've focused on preparing myself instead. I'm self-aware. I'm self-knowledgable. I have connected with people and with things around me to know what I want. I don't want frivolous flings and dates under my belt, I want the connection. I want the soul binding, heart wrenching, awe inspiring relationship. I know what I want, and I don't need experience in dating to understand that. While my peers have spent their time sleeping around and getting around, I've been learning about important life experiences. About the value of life. About the value of family and of friends. Of honor, of commitment, of respect, of inner strength, of dignity, of faith, of kindness, of hopefulness, of happiness. I've learned the value and the power of love. Real true love. The kind of love that isn't given. The kind that must be worked for. I've known that. I know that. I've learned how to work into that, I've learned.

Yes, in my 22 years I may not have a lot of relationship experience, but I know what I'm looking for. And believe you me, in 2010, I'll be looking for it. I won't be hiding anymore. My eyes will be open, my heart will be guarded, but strong and open. And I will be ready when it comes, whenever it comes. I'm ready. In 2010, I'm not changing or needing to learn who I am. I don't need to discover those things, I've been doing that, and will keep doing that. Because that's what we do. We grow. My New Year's Resolution is to be open, to be honorable, to be respectful, to be kind, compassionate, caring, loving, soulful, to be kind, to love hard, to laugh harder, and to be happy. Because finally, after years of searching, I've chosen that for myself.

The quote I put up at the top is a powerful one. It's so truthful. We have many different families at many different times. We have people we count on, trust, love, journey with. People who change us in one way or another. I wrote about relationships up top, just because it was on my mind. But really, in 2010, it's about family. Building a bridge to people. Creating bonds, learning new things, savoring the ties that bind individuals in this thing called life together. So, for those of you who have journeyed with me over the last year, thank you. I love all of you. I'm thankful you are in my life. Even if we've never met, if you've inspired me, changed me with your words, with a smile, with a laugh in the distance on a bad day, taken the time to listen to what I've had to say, made my day a little brighter in any way, thank you. Thank you for making this year, although trying at times, pretty wonderful. Thank you for the journey. For the imprint you've made in my life. Even if for only a moment, you all have been a part of me, a part of a network of family to me. For that I am ever grateful.

Thank you.

And to end the posts of 2009, here is a cute quote, one I hope to, piece by piece, begin to discover more of in 2010. I wish the same for all of you as well.

“I may still not know what I fully want to be when I grow up, but I do know that someday I want to live in a house filled with my books and travel souvenirs. And the walls that aren’t covered in bookshelves will be covered with photos of my family and friends. When I leave the house I will be going to a job I love, and I’ll return to a person I love with all my heart, and who loves me the same. So, that’s the dream I’m working on.”

—	Amber Morely

What Is Family?

2009-12-23T18:04:00.002-05:00

“What is family? They were the people who claimed you. In good, in bad, in parts or in whole, they were the ones who showed up, who stayed in there, regardless. It wasn’t just about blood relations or shared chromosomes, but something wider, bigger. We had many families over time. Our family of origin, the family we created, and the groups you moved through while all of this was happening: friends, lovers, sometimes even strangers. None of them perfect, and we couldn’t expect them to be. You can’t make any one person your world. The trick was to take what each could give you and build your world from it.”

~	Sarah Dessen

The Couch...

2009-12-22T04:34:00.005-05:00

This might just be the weirdest entry ever. You are forewarned.

I've been sleeping on the couch in our living room. I'm not sure what led to this, or why I've remained so since arriving home four nights ago, but I have. I can't say I understand it much either. I'm a bed person. A big, comfy, warm, memory foam mattress, bed person. However, there is something about my room at home that just doesn't feel quite as such. It doesn't feel like home, it doesn't feel like a space that is mine. It feels empty. I cannot connect to it. My old room, which my brother now occupies, that room was home. I can sometimes hardly bring myself to walk through the door to "my" room. I hate the feeling I get when I walk inside. Or the lack of feeling. The room feels like a void, an empty, cold, vacuum. I need warmth. I need a connection.

So, I've taken up residence on the couch. Next to the bright Christmas tree, with the front door 20 feet from me, with the windows without the blinds, in the house that makes noises in the middle of the night. That's where I am. Now, for those of you who don't know me, I'm terrified of robbers. Or rather, any kind of invader into my space. It scares me, always has. I sleep with the door closed tight to keep out the bad guys, a fan to block out any noises, in the pitch black so I can't see things even if they were there. That's who I am. All of the sudden though, here I am, in this big living room, and I feel oddly, at home. I feel safe. I'm not sure why, or how, but being here, makes me feel right. Maybe it's this couch. My Grandma slept on it every single night since they bought it. Every single one. Even her last one. Maybe that's why it makes me feel safe, like a big warm hug from her, holding me tight like she used to when I was sick or scared.

But I'm not sick or scared. I'm content. I'm happy. I'm at peace with myself. I was thinking about that today, and I even almost mentioned it to my mom. But she would make fun of me, so I didn't. But, I'm happy. And I really, really love my life. That's weird for me. Recently, it pops into my head all the time, "Wow, I freaking love my life". All the time. Ever since this summer, its been happening. And I like it. So maybe, just maybe, this is me stepping forward. No longer needing that protection from things unknown or unseen. Maybe this is me growing up, moving on. And maybe, this warm, comfy, soft, Grandma loved couch is a little nudge from her in the right direction. She may not be here, but I know she sees it. The change. Sometimes I feel like I can feel her smiling. When I'm proud of myself, when I feel joy, when I admit to myself that I love my life now more than ever, I think I can feel her inside smiling right along with me. Maybe this is what it feels like, peace, and love. If so, I want it. And I want it every single day for the rest of my life. And as a promise to myself, that's what I'm going to strive for.

Because maybe, just maybe, that's what I'm meant to do.

25 Reasons Why I Love My Life...

2009-12-20T02:15:00.007-05:00

So, I love my life. Here are a few reasons why.

1. I had an amazing hair day today, and let's face it, great hair days just make you super happy. Like, SUPER.

2. For the last two nights I've been lying under the Christmas tree, drawing, listening to music, and just being at peace.

3. My whole entire family will be together for Christmas for the first time in less than 1 day.

4. It snowed last night and all of today.

5. My Grandpa's girlfriend wants me to like her, ergo, she deems me worthy of needing that.

6. UD basketball won tonight, and it was a great game. And I got to go.

7. I looked kinda hot today, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

8. I made this cinnamon coffee cake type thing last night, homemade, and it is amazing.

9. I woke up this morning to puppy kisses.

10. I can't get the idea of jamming someone against a wall and devouring them out of my head, and that's kinda hot. Lol.

10.5 That also means I'm ready to move on...

11. There are Christmas presents under the tree.

12. The silence in this house after everyone has gone to bed is blissful.

13. I made the Dean's List.

14. I got an A on a paper that was the absolute worst one I've ever written. Ergo, I'm badass.

15. I'm watching the Nutcracker performed by the Royal Ballet.

16. My mom, dad, and I laughed so hard together tonight that we cried.

17. I made my famous salad ala Elise is Awesome, (I came up with the name, you like?) and it was, well, awesome.

18. I got to text my BFF tonight, and she liked one of my drawings.

19. I folded towels today, yes, I enjoy folding laundry, shut up.

20. I flirted with a guy today, just for the fun of it.

21. I played with my puppy in the snow.

22. My new phone screen savor is really, uh, fun...

23. My Grandpa took me to go see some Christmas lights on the way home that I wanted to see, when my mom said no.

24. I got to sleep in.

25. I smiled, basically, the whole day.

Because I'm Badass & Awesome...

2009-12-14T19:53:00.003-05:00

This is why I love my best friend:

Me: You may be great at sex advice, and all your friends may come to you for that, but I'd rather save your advice for more important life altering things. Sex is just sex. I wouldn't take advantage of our relationship for frivolous stuff. I need you more than that. Because I don't need people for anything, ever. But you, as crazy as I'm sounding, you I need for more. I'm complicated, mindful, and deep. Get used to it. ;)

She: "You're sweet."

Me: Shut up. I am not. I'm badass and awesome.

She: "Soft and sweet."

Me: No! You lie. Not soft or sweet. I ooze awesomeness.

She: "Awesomeness is soft and sweet with an edge."

Me: Dude. That's my new motto. Twitter it up."

She: "I'm not on Twitter yet. I give you permission to tweet it...then I will retweet you."

Me: God, we're freaks.

She: "Lol."

Loss

2009-12-12T23:26:00.003-05:00

I've lost a lot in the last two years. More than anyone else should have to. Relationships that I clung to with desperation. People I depended on more than life itself. People I thought were friends, people whom I was only beginning to get to know. Loss has consumed every second of my life for two years. It's disgusting, it's painful, and it's unfair.

However, when I step back from that, in a moment of self-thought, when the pain subsides for just a brief moment, I realize how damn lucky I am.

Why, you may ask?

Because I had them to lose. I had the moments, the glances, the embraces, the emotions, the shared tears, the shared stories, the shared life. I had those things in my possession. I had them on my heart. And I still do. I have every single one of them tucked closely in a compartment in my heart I've recently designated to loss.

And it's okay. I know that no matter what or who has left my life, I can still hold tight to it, hold tight to the memories, and it's ok to think about it. It's ok to feel sad about the loss. But it's also okay to embrace the joy that every single one of those people brought to my life, even if for only a moment.

So, yes, I've lost a lot of people. Some more recent than others, some in the past, but I had them to lose. Loss is only as painful as you let it become, I suppose. It's only as painful as you choose to make it. When the loss is new, it hurts, it hurts like hell, but as I lay here writing this, I'm comforted by those memories and I'm smiling. A big, goofy, warm, mouth closed smile. The kind you can feel inside your heart.

And I do this because I've loved. I've lived. I've given myself and gotten some wonderful things in return. And now, it's time to move on. It's time to find new people to share myself with, because albeit slowly, I want that. I want new memories. I need that.

I'm hard to get to know, I'll admit that. I have walls. Deep, soul-binding walls that I cling to in desperation. Pain comes naturally to me, I've lived with it my whole life. But trust and faith, those things do not. I'm good at being the best friend. I'm good at being the shoulder, the rock, the safety net when you fall. But one thing I'm not good at, is letting people in. I give you enough to let you know it's okay to be here with me, but I never give fully. Ever. Not anymore. I'm trying though, trying to learn how to trust again. As I make progress, I'm pulled back, but I still try every single day. If you're patient, if you tell me and make me believe you whole-heartedly that you will never leave, I'll believe you. I'll trust you, and the world will be ours. That's a promise.

Are you up for the challenge?

A Tiny Wish

2009-12-12T01:17:00.006-05:00

I'm nothing compared to what I want to be.

I'm imperfect.

My hair doesn't always fall exactly into place.

My eyeliner tends to be a smudge off.

I don't think I'm ugly, far from it,

but I'm nothing close to beautiful enough.

I'm not deeply depressed,

I never have been,

but sometimes I just can't find the bright side.

Sometimes I grow tired of the days where the sun is bright,

expecting me to shine like it.

I have expectations for myself,

ones so high and elaborate,

I often find myself lost in them,

ones that I cannot live up to.

I just want to take a walk in the rain,

blast music in my ears,

sing loudly into empty space

and forget.

Start out fresh.

Become something different

Something amazing.

Something better.

Let Them Know Love...

2009-11-30T00:26:00.002-05:00

My mom and I went to see a movie tonight before I go back to school tomorrow. We saw "Blind Spot" and it was cute. But that's not what I'm in the mood to write about. On the way home, we decided to listen to Christmas music. Granted, it was 50 degrees out and pouring down rain, a little difficult to get into that spirit, but we decided to anyway.

Nothing was on the radio, the XM Christmas station really sucked, and Delilah depresses me. Side note, hello, love is not depressing. Stop making it all about sadness and loss and all that. Especially at night playing Christmas music. Ok, back on topic. I found a CD in the visor case that I had burned many many years ago, Celine Dion's "These Are the Special Times". Wonderful, wonderful CD.

But what I want to talk about is the story behind why that CD was there. When I was in middle school and riding the bus to school everyday, I was having a lot of problems with my hip because of it. So, my Grandma decided that she would pick me up from school everyday so I didn't have to ride it. From then on, all the way through high school, my Grandma picked me up from school. It's one of the reasons that I didn't want to get my license (besides the whole, I could easily become paralyzed at any given time, thing). I loved spending that time with her. Just she and I. Every single day, even if it was only for a half hour. That time was ours.

She would bring me an apple and some orange juice, and I would supply the music. I've always been extremely good at finding new and exciting stuff. Norah Jones was our absolute favorite, and in fact, one of the last things she said to me, the last real conversation we had the last night she was alive, she spouted off lyrics to her favorite Norah Jones song and told me that she was glad we shared so many special songs together. For her viewing, I made a playlist, and a lot of the songs on that it were ones that she and I shared during those times. But mostly, we indulged in year-round Christmas tunes and didn't care what anybody else thought about it. We'd sing loud and proud, bumping along listening to Trans-Siberian Orchestra, Amy Grant, Kenny G, or any other wonderful holiday music we could get our hands on. Had I not had that time every day after school, I would have been miserable. She made life those four years.

Well, all the CDs that I made her are still up in the visor of her car, which is now my mother's. I looked up and grabbed the Celine Dion CD and told my mom we should listen to it. She wondered how it got there and when I told her the story, she had no idea about our little tradition. The first song that came on was this: http://blip.fm/profile/LLLEB08/blip/28661620/Celine_Dion-Dont_Save_It_All_For_Christmas_Day

(you can click on the link, press play at the top, and listen). And I'm not ashamed to admit, it made me cry. The lyrics are pretty powerful. And they basically explain exactly how my Grandma lived every single day of her life. Here is a link to the lyrics, I suggest you go through them, truly an inspiring message. http://tinyurl.com/y9g7hph

You know, I firmly believe we all have a soul mate. Someone who we are destined to have some unreal connection with. Not necessarily someone made just for us to spend the rest of our lives with (marriage, the whole lot), but someone who is destined to find us, share a piece of themselves with us, and whom we are destined to love. I know all of you have someone who made such an impact on your life you will never forget them. We all do. For me, that person was my Grandmother. And for her to be that person for me, recognize it, embrace it, was better than anything anybody could ever do for me ever again. Sure she was my Grandma, sure she had to love me because we're family, but that's not what our relationship was about. It was so much more.

She was my best friend. She understood me. Helped me grow. Taught me things about life, about people, about love, things that molded me into the person I am today. Not because she had to, most people's Grandma's don't really take it upon themselves to do all she did for me. She saw potential, she saw herself in my eyes, and she took it upon herself to give me the tools to become more. She raised me to go above and beyond. To love harder, care more, help more, and find the potential and the good in all people and show it to them. She did all that, for me.

When that song came up, not only did I miss the time she and I spent together in that car listening to that Christmas music, but I also missed her. I missed glancing over and smiling because I could see her singing along out of the corner of my eye. A woman who, for all intensive purposes, hated singing. She always sang with me and we both pretended like the other wasn't singing. I missed that. I miss the life I lived when she was here. I missed all the little details about the time we shared together, and I cried.

You know, it's been a little over 18 months since she died. About 556 days, to be exact. Every single one of those days has been a struggle. But of those 556 days, I've found 556 reasons to be thankful for the 7,561 days that I got to spend with her. Every time I think of a tiny detail about her, my heart swells. Not out of pain, but out of pride and thankfulness. Sure, it hurts like hell to be without her. It hurts every second. But it would have hurt even worse to never have had her. And until the day I die, I will give thanks for that time.

People always say that another person will never fill a void in your heart. That searching for someone to love you will never fill it, and you will search for more things to ease that void. In fact, we had a sermon about that on Thanksgiving Eve. But you know, when she was alive, I was whole. I never felt a void, I never felt like something was missing. Until she died. And then the void was there. But you know, I'm not searching to fill it. Because that void reminds me how much I lost. In a good way, not a bad. By remembering how much I lost, I am remembering how much I had. Not a day goes by I don't smile remembering her. Not a day goes by I wish I could crawl up next to her on the couch with my head on her lap and just be. Not one single day goes by I don't long for one of her hugs. And not one second goes by that I don't miss her.

I know a lot of my posts pertain to her death, or my sadness because of her death. But let me tell you something, those things are relevant to who I am. You may or may not care about that stuff in my life, you may think it's dramatic, boring, etc. But her life shaped who I became and who I am becoming every day. For that, I'm thankful. Sure, I talk about her death a lot. But not because I'm lingering in the past. But more because I'm holding onto that for the future. Thinking about her life is different than thinking about her death. Her death reminds me that her legacy lives on in me. I only hope that I am worthy of that legacy and that I am doing her proud. So yes, my Grandma died, and yes I'm going to talk about it, but my Grandma also lives, she lives on in me.

Because I'm A Dork.

2009-11-28T19:15:00.004-05:00

Ok so, every once in a while, I get sucked into a TV show and I get obsessed. Maybe once every few months or so, most especially when I need to escape my own brain. I'll pick a random show and watch every episode of every season. And yes, I realize I have no life. But seriously, I dare anyone to live the last 2 years of my life and not find a vice. So, you can suck it. Anyway, this is why I love this show. The writing in season five and six is absolutely amazing. I can't get enough of it! It's thought provoking, funny, cute, sexy, smart. I was sorta disappointed and almost gave up on it because it started to tank. But low and behold...and because I'm such a nerd, here are some of my favorite quotes.

"Most people think that I was named for the state, but it's not true, I was named for a battle ship. The U.S.S. Arizona. My grandfather was serving on the Arizona when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor, and he saved nineteen men before he drowned. Pretty much everything my father did his whole life was about honoring that sacrifice. I was raised to be a good man in a storm. Raised to love my country. Love my family. Protect the things I love. When my father, Colonel Daniel Robinson of the United States Marine Corps, heard that I was a lesbian he said he only had one question. I was prepared for "How fast can you get the hell out of my house?" But instead, it was "Are you still who I raised you to be?" My father believes in country the way that you believe in God. And my father is not a man who bends, but he bent for me because I am his daughter. I'm a good man in a storm... I love your daughter. And I protect the things I love. Not that I need too, she doesn't need it. She's strong, and caring, and honorable. And she's who you raised her to be."

- Dr. Arizona Robbins

Season 6; Episode 5

"Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, why it has to hurt so bad, the thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way, it wont hurt this much. Grief comes at its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief, is that you can't control it. The best we can do is let ourselves feel it when it comes, and let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away. There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance."

- Entire cast

Season 6; Episode 1 & 2

"When something begins, you generally have no idea how it's going to end. The house you're going to sell becomes your home, the roommates you were forced to take in become your family and the one night stand you were determined to forget becomes the love of your life.. We spend our whole lives worrying about the future, planning for the future, trying to predict the future, as if figuring it out will cushion the blow. But the future is always changing. The future is the home of our deepest fears and wildest hopes. But one thing is certain when it finally reveals itself. The future is never the way we imagined it."

- Dr. Merideth Grey

Season 6; Episode 22

"I am mad at you. And, I'm crying because you're the boss. My boss. Which brings up issues of authority and my dad, who you kind of remind me of. Not that you're old, but you command respect. People respect you. I mean, I know I do and I know Bailey does. Which is why I'm mad. Because, it's wrong Sir. It's wrong and mean to use a robot to lure Dr. Bailey back into general surgery, because I don't have a robot. All I have are little kids, and they're not as fun as a robot. And they're not shiny, and new, and silver, and they don't have things coming out of their belly buttons. But, I will fight you, and I will win. Sir."

- Dr. Arizona Robbins

Season 5; Episode 22

"You never know the biggest day of your life is the biggest day. Not until it's happening. You don't recognize the biggest day of your life, not until you're right in the middle of it. The day you commit to something or someone. The day you get your heart broken. The day you meet your soul mate. The day you realize there's not enough time, because you wanna live forever. Those are the biggest days. The perfect days."

- Dr. Izzy Stevens

Season 5; Episode 21

"According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, when we're dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable we can't imagine it's true. We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves. Then we bargain. We beg. We plead. We offer everything we have, we offer our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have to accept that we've done everything we can. We let go. We let go and move into acceptance."

- Dr. Meredith Grey

Season 6; Episode 1

“People have scars. In all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret roadmaps of their personal histories. Diagrams of all their old wounds. Most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them don’t. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut’s long gone, the pain still lingers.”

“Did you say it? ‘I love you. I don’t ever want to live without you. You changed my life.’ Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it, but every now and then, look around; Drink it in ‘cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow.”

- Dr. Meredith Grey

Season 5; Episode 24

"Today's the day my life begins. All my life I've been just me. Just a smart mouth kid. Today I become a man. Today I become a husband. Today I become accountable to someone other than myself. Today I become accountable to you. To our future. To all the possibilities that a marriage has to offer. Together, no matter what happens, I'll be ready. For anything. For everything. To take on life, to take on love. To take on possibility and responsibility."

- Dr. Alex Karev

Season 5; Episode 21

"We begin life with few obligations. We pledge allegiance to the flag. We swear to return our library books. But as we get older we take vows, make promises, get burden by commitments, to do no harm, to tell the truth and nothing but, to love, to cherish till death do us part. So we just keep running up the tab 'til we owe everything to everybody and suddenly..."

- Dr. Meredith Grey

Season 5; Episode

Thanksgiving

2009-11-27T19:55:00.006-05:00

I've been thinking about a lot of stuff recently. I'm not sure why or what triggers it, but I reach a point every now and then where I just analyze things. Everything, anything, you name it, I think about it. I read annoying cutesy and philosophical quotes and think about love and life and living. It's just a part of who I am.

I was thinking about my life today. I spent time with and watched my family all day and night yesterday. It's hard for me, to be around my extended family. A lot has happened in the last year in a half. And I've grown closer to each and every one of them. I've seen some of them of them for the very first time in that time, and they've seen me. For who I am. And our relationship has changed for the better. My whole life, I never fit in with my family. I sat alone in the corner and watched. It's just how I grew up. But now, I'm an adult. And now, they want me in the mix of things. They want me there. My aunt persistently, for a good five minutes, tried to get me to sit next to her on the couch last night. She wanted me to sit with her she said, and we sat there, hand in hand, for a good part of the night. I felt loved and special and important to her, for one of the first times in my life. But still, even with these changes, it's still hard to be around them. Mostly because of the voids on both sides. Because of the loss. It's hard not to feel that, and I do, all the time.

When my Grandpa was at Hospice, I believe it was his last day alive, I had stayed with my Grandma so that my Aunt's and Uncles and dad could stay with my Grandpa and not have to worry about what was going on at home. I remember that day like it was yesterday. That was the day my two aunt's and I had to tell my Grandma that my Grandpa was going to die, not in a year or a month, but probably that night. And after we told her, she sobbed, and she sobbed, and she asked to be left alone. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle it because I knew what she was feeling, that void creeping up, that knowledge that it was the end. I had been there only a year before, and I have been there every single day since then. It's not something you ever get over. That feeling. That emptiness.

I couldn't handle the pain she was feeling, and I had to get away from it. I ran up the stairs, closed the door to the farthest room away from where she was and just paced. I couldn't cry, I didn't know how to cry, I just paced and paced, trying not to punch something, trying not to be present in my own life in that moment. It wasn't my moment, it wasn't my turn to cry, just like a year ago, it was my turn to stand tall and be strong. I must have been gone a while, because my aunt came up to try and find me. I'm always there, even if I'm quiet in the corner, I'm always there, no matter what. So when I left, I can't tell you how thankful I was that she noticed and came to find me. You know what the first thing she said to me was? "I was looking for you and couldn't find you, I was worried, are you ok?". My aunt, who had exhausted herself doing the same thing I had done with my Grandma, she came to see how I was, because she recognized how hard the situation had to be on me. Not only was I losing my Grandfather, but it was in the same fashion I had lost my Grandmother. A year, only a year, it was too soon, too painfully soon.

She came up and gave me a hug. And you know what she did? She sat with me. I told her I didn't know what I was supposed to feel because I had never gotten a chance to know him until the last few days of his life. That I stayed with him overnight while my Grandma was in the hospital (their roles reversed completely in less than 72 hours) because I knew he would tell me his story. Because I knew that if I volunteered, he would know I loved him. And I wanted to be there, for him, because he was my Grandfather. He contributed to my existence, my childhood, my adulthood, even in the smallest of ways, he was a part of me. And I also wanted to be there for my family, because out of almost all of them, I was qualified to handle the death up close. They'd never done it before, I had. If I would or could do anything for them my entire life to show them I loved them all, I knew it was that.

I told her I didn't know if I had a right to be sad, because I had to be strong for my dad and for her and my other aunt who had only the night before, had a nervous breakdown while she and I talked. The night before when we had made amends for something that caused us not to talk for 6 years. I told her I wanted to be strong for her, because even though she and I weren't close, she was my Godmother, and just because we weren't, it didn't mean I didn't want to be. It didn't mean I hadn't longed for it my entire life. I told her that we may not be close now, but there was room in my heart if she wanted in it. And so, we talked. We sat and talked for at least three hours. Alone. She told her about her life, that she and my uncle had separated. She told me about her growing up, she tried to explain to me and assure me that even though I never felt loved growing up by my Grandparents, they always loved me, and so did she. And we talked, and we talked, just the two of us. The course of that last week of his life changed my life. It truly did. I made amends, I opened my heart, I mourned, I connected with all of my cousins on a whole different level, I cried, I learned so much about my family, even though it was painful, it was life changing, and it was kind of amazing. That was the big thing in my life this year.

Needless to say, holidays with extended family make me think about death. A lot. And you know, I'm not afraid to die. I'm only twenty-two, sure, but if I died tomorrow, I would have no regrets. I've loved someone wholeheartedly who wasn't family, I was loved back. I experienced a broken heart, I broke someone's heart. I found love again after that broken heart. I've loved hard, I've protected harder. I've stood up for people and things I believed in. I made friends, I found some true ones. I've learned to trust people. I've lost the most important person in my life, and I survived it, grew from it, learned from it. I've become close to my brother, whom I hated my entire childhood. I graduated high school, and I'm close to graduating college. I found things I love enough to be passionate about. I've found a best friend. I've moved away from home, lived in another state, and grew up in the process. I became close to my parents because I had the courage to move away. I was able to repay my Grandmother for almost twenty-one years of pure love by being there for her while she died. I found myself, loved myself, and accepted myself for everything I am. I discovered I was gay, came out to all of my family and was accepted by every one of them. I had enough courage to love myself anyway, even if others wouldn't because of "what I am".

I worked my dream job, found my true calling, found what I was good at, succeeded, and made a difference and an impression. I've traveled the country, went to England, and befriended people from all over the world. I've read books about many things, I've studied the past, become a historian, I've listened to good music, eaten good food, laughed so hard I cried many times. I've written about hundreds of topics, written a book or two, written poetry, contributed culturally, even in the smallest of ways. I've smiled, I've cried, I've hugged, I've listened, I've been compassionate, I've made a difference to someone, I've changed someone for the better. I've been selfish, and unselfish, and learned when it is the right time for both things. I've been in excruciating physical pain, which has made me appreciate every second of life that isn't associated with it. I've faced intolerance, discrimination, and cruelty, but held my head high. I've watched the sunrise and set with someone I loved. I've sat outside and looked at the stars. I've walked through and spent time in nature, and appreciated it's beauty. I've been thankful, I've been loved, I've been encouraged, I've been appreciated, I've been complimented, I've been all these little tiny baby details that people sometimes forget on a daily basis.

Above all else, all the shit that goes on, all the loneliness, all the pain, all the sadness as of late, regardless, I have lived. For twenty-two years I've lived a good life. I've done things and learned things that some never ever get to do their entire lives. Above all else, I am happy. And you know, if I were to die tomorrow, the first thing I'd do after giving my Grandmother and Grandfather the biggest hugs, and tell them how much I missed them...would be to say thank you. Just, thank you.

Insomnia

2009-11-08T05:51:00.005-05:00

Let me tell you a story of one of the worst things, ever. Chronic insomnia. To be exhausted, but not able to do anything about it, that helplessness, totally no fun. At all. This has been, continually, a problem I've had my whole life. I've never slept. And when I have, they certainly have never been normal hours. I'm a 6 am- noon kind of person (if I'm exceptionally lucky and have no classes, no responsibilities, no life). But, not by choice.

Like, tonight for instance. I decided, I'll go to bed at 11, get up early, work on my drawing a bit more, everything will be hunky dory. I was excited. So, in bed I was at 10:45…ok I never generally left bed today (4 day weekends at school are awful), but I had the teeth brushed, the fan on, the lights off, the computer closed, music off, PJs on (never really got out of those - minus the shower! today either, who am I kidding?), and I was ready for bed. Now usually, if I'm tired enough, I can be asleep in about half hour to forty-five minutes. I planned accordingly. So there I laid, my mind was blank (another problem most nights!) and I had nowhere to go or be or do or any of that. So, naturally, a normal person would drift off into sleep and dream lovely things for 7 or 8 hours, right? Well, not me. I laid there, and laid there, and laid there, until I basically got so bored trying to fall asleep, I gave up. So here it is, 6 (7) in the morning and I'm not only wide awake, but totally not happy about it. Hence the rant.

I mean, seriously, what the hell? My mom was having a conversation with a dear friend of ours when she visited me in Maryland over the summer, and I learned that I have never, ever spelt through the night. Not when I was a baby, not when I was a child, never. It's a bit pathetic. Granted, when I was a teenager, I pushed those bedtimes to the max, but what kid doesn't? And I totally could do it too, why not? Most kids, push it until midnight. I pushed it until 2, 3, 4 in the morning. Back in the day when I had to be up for school at 6:15 every morning. Not smart, right? I am able to function on about 2 hours of sleep. When discussing this in my Psychology class a few weeks ago, the teacher all but called me a freak. You must get sick often, non? Nope, never get sick. You must nap during the day. Nope, don't do that either. Once I'm up, I'm up. She's like, wow, bl-ok then, you're one lucky girl, next. Really? I'd rather sleep, thank you.

Now, most would say, sleeping pills! PMs! I say, hell to the no. Why? One Advil or Tylenol PM will knock me out. Cold. For about 24 hours. No exaggeration. So what happens when I take half? They do nothing. I just can't do it, can't take them even if I wanted to. I've been to doctors, nothing is wrong with me, I'm just not wired right or something. I don't know. But it sucks. It's also why I make friends in different time zones, and why I had a 4 year successful Californian long distance relationship, I'm up anyway, why not? Over the summer, when I was working like 17 hour days (uhg, ridiculous), I would be so exhausted I could hardly function. I was in bed by 9:30 and up at 5. But, you'd think as soon as my head would hit the pillow, I'd be out cold. Solid 8ish hours of sleep, right? Wrong. Asleep no earlier than 2:30, and had to be up no later than 5. It freaking sucked. The experience was wonderful, but I swear, it about killed me.

Now, I've tried everything under the sun to try and remedy this little predicament I've, well, honestly, been born with. I tried reading before bed, I tried all the various levels of noises (white, purple, etc.), tried classical music, thunderstorms, computer reading, drawing, writing, walking really late, different pillows, different bedding, blankets, different room temperatures (I do know I have nightmares without a fan - but I have to GET to sleep first), different bed height variations, different clothes, etc. You name it, I've tried it to fix this shit. Nothing helps.

So yes, you wanna know why I'm always awake? Me too. Me to the freaking too. I also would like to know how much more of a freak I can be on a regular basis. I know, right?

What Is Love?

2009-11-02T15:15:00.006-05:00

"Love isn't about words,

I'm full of words, I'm a writer, I'm made of words.

Love is more than that.

Love is devotion.

Unplanned, unsaid, unselfish, and unexplained.

Nothing should be of more importance than your happiness to me.

And it isn't.

I am unquestioningly devoted to you."

And that is how I feel, every single day.

Even though I must remain anonymous.

I shall not remain so here.

2009-08-22T04:16:00.007-04:00

The Contemplations of an Insomniac

I put my head to the pillow knowing it will be another night turned day
Fueled continuously by frustration with the unknown and unknowable
A struggle with the absurd, with apathy and ignorance
-Particularly my own
How can I sleep when there are so many things I don't yet know
A universe of truths I can't even comprehend

I build a nighttime library
Embroidered in the endless wisdom and ignorance of read
Leading only to more questions
Suffocating with the inability to sort truth from perspective
Frustrated with a humbling insecurity that pushes even me to complacency

And for a moment I don't know why I try
I will never achieve the forms, the tirade of questions will never end
But is this not the point of life?
Perpetually striving?

Beat driven, a tune that never ends
Replicated lives across the globe, enough distance to make them unique
And yet, so terribly alone
The solitary shadow of a philosopher struggles to find her place
An era, a city, a community of her own
A place so in-tune with her head and ideals that she can shut out the decrepitude of life outside the bubble
Maybe then she will sleep.

But for now, I am unable to shut off my own voices
A chorus of cacophony, where a single voice cannot be discerned
Consciousness isn't so much a conversation with oneself, but an argument with many selves

These are just snippets of ideas
Always short fragments of something larger
Something greater
But she can't yet see how the puzzle turns out
Though she's beginning to see the outline of the picture

Maybe that's what growing up is--seeing the truth for what it really is
Or maybe that's just another idea she'll grow to discard
Already too, too old to be this young
Too young and indignant to abhor the mindless repetition of the absurd
Hoping this contrast will illuminate the Good
Yearning to be able to create the beauty that she can see
A bumbling force for entropy

The sun's morning rays mock her sacred ambiguity
And as the safe seclusion of night disappears, her memories fade
Dripping like soft pebbles of sand through her open hands
All that remains are the scattered thoughts she committed to written words.

Peace To You

2009-04-25T03:09:00.007-04:00

The Peace of Wild Things

Wendell Berry

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

Open & Honest

2009-04-20T03:37:00.008-04:00

Many people look at me and wonder why I do not have many friends. I have even asked myself this same question while I was growing up. People used to and still do look down on me because of it. The friends I have had never appreciated me, they pegged me for advice, wanted me to pull them out of jams, used me as a shoulder, etc. I am happy to be that person for the people I care about. Even for complete strangers, I am comfortable in that role, it is a natural fit for me, always has been. Do not get me wrong, I love them all dearly, but to give, give, and get nothing in return is difficult. Therefore, my way of dealing with this is to limit the number I have. I could have a million relationships with people and call them friends, but they are just empty promises. Promises not to be there when I am sad or when I need a shoulder.

When my Grandma died, all the "friends" I thought I had, left. Apparently, the situation was too intense, too touchy to stick around. I get it, I really do. Death is not a fun situation to deal with. Since then, I have withheld from forming any close relationships. Mostly for my own protection, mostly out of fear. Not only did I lose my best friend to the rarest form of cancer (yes that is significant), but I also lost the only person I trusted completely. That was hard. It would be hard for anyone. I am not singling myself out for that. To lose that so suddenly, though, on top of all the other people in my life, was most difficult. It only added to the stress of the situation.

Every day and night for 3 months, I took care of her. I averaged in that time, maybe an hour of continuous sleep a night, if that, and no, I am not being drastic or exaggerating. It was draining, physically and emotionally. However, truth be told, it was the most important thing I have ever, or will ever, do with my life.

At the viewing and funeral, my mom and dad, aunt and uncle, brother, and cousins had all their friends there for support. I stood there empty inside, as the people I called friends slowly trickled off in the 3 months leading up to her death. I put on a brave face for my family. Shaking hands of crying strangers, acknowledging what "they" lost. The viewing was 5 hours long, a continuous line of visitors, and I swear I never want to hear “I’m sorry” ever again. My policy has become, if you don’t break my heart, kill my dog, insult someone in my family, or punch me in the face, you have nothing to apologize for. I took the role of the eldest grandchild, which was expected of me. I did this because I knew it was a time to celebrate my Grandma, time for other people’s grief. After that day I put mine on hold. I had promised her the night before she died, while I was sitting with her, rubbing her back like an ill child, that I would take care of my family. I would keep us together, that we would all be okay, that I would make sure of it. I promised her that.

Somehow, since then, my life has taken a back seat to emotion, to grief, to confusion. After that, I lost whatever grip over my emotions I had. Scrambling, confused, uncertain, but mostly scared. Since then, I have been emotionally raw. Unpredictable, stressed, grieving, I suppose. Mostly stuffing that grief, or so I have been told. I was also told that this method is not healthy, but I do it without awareness.

I used to pride myself in my ability to be rational, never letting emotion get in the way. Ever. Emotion is irrational, so, I never succumbed to it. And if I did, I did it privately for an hour and was done with it. Now, things have changed for me. I am emotional. I am raw. I will be the first to admit. I jump to conclusions; I make assumptions that I should not. I know this, I can see myself doing it, but I cannot stop it. I do not know how to be an emotional person, and I have not learned how to keep them in check.

Fear, anger, love, attraction, guilt, apprehension, trust, are now all things that scare the hell out of me. I wish to banish them, but they will not go away. When I am hurt, when I am scared, I resort to a person I do not know or understand. I am not making excuses; rather, realizing and accepting outwardly that I do not know how to handle them. Trust me, I personally am a very mature individual. If you knew me, really knew me, you would know the experiences I have dealt with in my life have made me grow up very quickly from an early age. However, I am immature with my feelings and my emotions. I know I am. I hate it more than anything, but it's who I am now. I will not apologize for it; I will not make excuses, either. It is just how it is until I can figure everything out, until I can learn how to deal with my grief.

Grief, what a nasty little word that is. It has transformed my life over the last year. Not in a bad way, per se. It has just changed me. As has losing someone whom I was so close to. All the people who have met me “since” then have been wonderful. I have learned to trust again, to an extent. As soon as I let my guard down, though, I get hurt. This is why I am still very guarded. Especially when I have a hard day, like today, where I miss my Grandma to a painful extent.

When something reminds me of her, a picture, an event, a video, a memory, a smell, a dream, I become emotionally raw. It is not something I am proud of, but it happens. On days such as these I lose my maturity, I lose my self-assurance, I act like a kid. On these days, I am not fun to be around. I have the ability to freak out and lose my head. I read into things, I over analyze, I over react. Jokes that may have been funny yesterday, deeply hurt me on other days. If you are close to me, you will know this. You will recognize it right away if you look for it.

Today was one of those hard days. I found a video I had made on this date a year ago of my Grandma that I had not seen. It showed her at a time right before things went downhill, and for some reason, I lost it. I didn't cry, I was just whole-heartedly sad. A pain weighed on my heart the whole day and I avoided having conversations. I couldn't even talk to my mom. Seclusion is the only way for me to deal with this. I understand that I need to reach out, but that vulnerability scares me. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know if I trust anyone enough yet to ask for help.

This, I will apologize for, the rash behavior. One of the bad things about being guarded and protective of my feelings is when I am not “fine”; people think I am a cruel or mean person. I promise, I am not. My true colors shine when someone I love is in need. Have you ever had a day where you just said, “screw the world”? Should we all be entitled to them occasionally? I think so.

From Good Friday until my birthday, I will guarantee that my emotions will be on the fritz. I cannot help it. Especially in this first year after her death. The “firsts” are the hardest. And until May 21^st, everything is a first for me. Whom I trust, whom I talk to, what I talk about, how I react, what I say, how I feel, what choices I make, all these things are new and different for me. For this, all I can ask is a little leeway. Hang tight until June 9^th. It will not be an entirely rocky road, but there will be days when I am extremely sad and overly emotional. I will apologize for them now, but, I warn you, I probably won’t own up to them until the next day. I get so clouded with emotion and frustration and anger that I can’t see or think clearly. When this happens, I tend to stay away from people, but sometimes this is unavoidable.

I am not writing this to a person, I am not writing this towards an event, although those have influence, certainly. Things have opened my eyes and I have been thinking about writing this down for some time. I am writing this as a collective “sigh” to everyone. A collective outreach to anyone who knows how hard dealing with the firsts is. This is a collective sharing. Something that is extremely rare for me.

To those whom I have the privilege of calling friend, I love you. All of you. I know it has and will be a rocky road, but thank you for sticking by me on this journey. Thank you for showing me that life goes on after death. That through people, through friends, through family, grief and the pain of losing someone is lessened.

If you are a new friend, I hope this has left you with a better understanding of me. Someday things will be semi-normal. Someday, hopefully soon, I will learn to better talk about my feelings, some day I will trust people to listen, to understand, to notice the signs and to be there for me, and not run away, as did those a year ago. Someday I will be able to trust the people in my life with my feelings, but that is not today.

If I have shared with you, if I have confided in you, if I have told you I trust you, if I have told you I love you, feel honored, because I mean it whole-heartedly. I don’t say things like that very often. You are one of few, I promise you that. If I have not, it is nothing personal, I still value everything you give to me as a friend and hope to grow with you in friendship. All I ask is for a little patience, a little understanding, a little faith. If I have been there for you during a hard time, if you care about me, please hold onto that person on bad days.

I love you all. You know who you are.

Quote of the Day:

"At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. We pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day - those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need."

Lyric of the Day:

"Anchors away, I can't promise you that everything will be okay. All I can say, is when the water comes, so will the horizon."

Just Some Poems

2008-12-03T12:19:00.006-05:00

When I think of you,

Tears fill my eyes

I miss what we once had,

I feel a piece of me is missing,

That piece is you.

You were so close to me,

I counted on you every day

We laughed, and loved,

And now it feels like it's all gone away

Not that piece of me is missing,

I sorely do miss it.

I search, but do not find.

I would do anything to again be whole,

To again have you in my life,

To laugh with you,

To hug you,

To tell you once more,

I love you.

________________

Never-ending on beginning,

Oh an ever-spinning reel

Like a snowball down a mountain,

Or a carnival balloon

Like a carousel that's turning

Running rings around the moon

Like a clock whose hands are sweeping

Past the minutes on its face

And the world is like an apple

Spinning silently in space

Like the circles that you find

In the windmills of your mind.

What's In A Name?

2008-10-27T03:28:00.005-04:00

In writing an email to a friend of mine this...eveni...morning...I had a thought. And when Elise gets thoughts that are not crap, she writes them in this lovely little blog. Do not ask me why, but that's just how things work these days. Oh, and Elise also refers to herself in the third person, just to clarify that.

Anywho, I was thinking, I guess, as I finished off the email with my "signature", do we really become our names? Now, don't laugh, this came to me at 3:30 in the morning. I looked at it, my eyes lulling me to sleep, and said, am I an Elise? First of all, what the heck is an Elise? You look at it, ponder some, (or maybe that's just a little indigestion from dinner), so you're pondering, and thinking, hmm that word looks odd. Foreign, maybe. Well, I am odd, I suppose, you should ask me about my sleeping habits; and depending on which person you're asking, I might be foreign. That's a bit of an odd rational, I know, but stay with me. So, odd and foreign, possibly, but what else?

My name wasn't always as, for lack of a better word, understood as it is becoming today. What can I say, I've shot it to stardom, or something like that. But back in the day, when I was wee tot, I had a funny name that nobody, and by nobody, I mean no-frickin'-body knew how to say. Adults thought it was pretty once they were corrected (or maybe they just felt dumb for getting a five letter word wrong), nevertheless, I spent the better part of my childhood enunciating my name. Eh, who am I kidding, my Humanities teacher still says it wrong every time he calls on me, I just no longer care enough to correct people who get it wrong now. Anyway, back to the tale, so after that was clarified (then anyway) Uh-lee-ce (for those still unsure) I had to explain why the heck my parents named me that. It went a little something like this: "Blah, blah, blah, Somewhere In Time, oh never heard of it? Me either. Apparently the lady from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman was in it with Superman. My mom was pregnant with me when they went to see it, and apparently decided that she should be my namesake, I don't know, your guess is as good as mine, so can I go play at recess now?"

Yeah, something like that. Isn't that cool? I mean, being named after a love story and everything? I'm just feelin' the love. Ok, back to the story again, they'd tell me it was a grown up name, and how pretty it was. I just smiled and rolled my eyes (only on the inside though), and said thanks.

Hey - I knew I was cool, not everybody gets a song written Fur them by Beethovan. So, back to topic, have I become my name? I'm not sure. I like it though, it's unique, I don't think it rolls off the tongue very well, so I guess if you know me, you have to think about me before you say the name. That's kind of cool I guess. I think the name is rather pretty in a sense, elegant perhaps, and, I'm pretty sure I'm not elegant, so maybe that doesn't fit. I don't know, when I look in the mirror, I don't see Elise, I see me. When you look at me, who do you see? Elise? Or just that girl over there who has a funny name? Well, like I said when I was younger, your guess is as good as mine.

P.S. If you've never seen the movie, it is actually quite beautiful and romantic. Very simple filmography, minus the traveling in back in time thing, but a real delight. I'd recommend it, made me cry, and I don't really do the crying because of movies thing. I adore Jane Seymore, and she was ravishing in that movie. I actually just got around to watching it this summer, only took me twenty-one years to do so, funny, right?

Song of the Day:

"I Want Something That I Want" - Grace Potter & Bethany Joy Galeotti

Lyrics of the Day:

"Everyday my dreams will get bigger

Then I hear there's nothing

I can dream hasn't been dreamt before

So I water my little faith

And hope for the better"

-Then Slowly Grows: Bethany Joy Galeotti

Brain Drain; Snuggle Fest

2008-10-17T05:24:00.006-04:00

She has my heart!!

My bestest!!

I have decided, as it is 5:24 in the morning and I have been awake for 25 hours now, that this weekend shall consist of nothing that will require me to think extensively. While I love my classes, and my professors (truly I do!), and will not complain about anything school related (I am, in fact, paying to torture myself) but to put it honestly, my brain hurts to think at this moment in time. One can only projectile vomit so much information in one day, let alone one whole week of it. Therefore, I have earned a rest.

Now, I am one who loves to think, to ponder, hell I even have intellectual conversations with myself in order to write them down for future pondering. I realize this sounds ridiculous, however, listen to a few of my friends speak for more than five minutes and you will understand. I used to have these discussions with my Grandma, or my mother. Well, you know about my Grandma, and my mom is too busy to entertain me for longer than five minutes. All is well though. And, just for the record, if any of my friends are reading this, I of course A. deny having said anything of the sort and B. am not talking about you.

I am just joshing everyone, I adore my friends. Although, none of them likely read this so, that is their loss. Yes, the joys of friendship, taking the good with the bad, along with everything else they can throw at me. My life, to sum it up briefly, is full of the utmost contradictions. Seriously. I sat down one evening with a pen and a journal (quite a pretty looking, glossy black one I might add) and wrote some 45 pages of things in my life that contradict each other. I love it, ask to read it someday if you are in my room, you will be entertained, promise.

I must cut this entry short, I apologize, but I must sleep. I'm looking forward to a day full of puppy loving tomorrow, or rather, in a few hours. Yes, my Lexi; she seems to barely tolerate my obsessive loving and snuggling and kissing on her while I am home. She would deny it fully and faithfully if you ever asked her, but she misses me when I'm gone, she doesn't fool me.

P.S. Yes I realize that my colors of purple change from post to post. I either forget which one I used previous, that which is my favorite (because I like so much purple!), or I like to mix it up a little bit, keep you on your toes. You will never know which it is. : )

Happiness?

2008-10-12T17:48:00.005-04:00

I have often wondered what people seek when they believe what they want is happiness or love. To define happiness is something that is indefinable, in my opinion. It is said in terms of many things, but to each their own. To each person, happiness is only understood from their own heart. Many people will try to tell you this or that is wrong, or that isn't really happiness, or you aren't supposed to feel that when doing such and if you perceive it as happiness, you are screwed up. Now, before we think - murder - or anything crazy like that, let's digress back. Anyway, to expect a shared sense of happiness is to find another who has touched your heart. While the heart is associated with love, what is to say that it can't be synonymous with happiness as well? All emotions are associated with the brain, of course, however, when you feel what it is to be in love or to be truly happy, you feel it elsewhere. And this deferred sensation spreads warmth and tranquility throughout the body.

To know happiness is to be in touch with oneself. To know love, you must be able to love yourself first. So many people believe that the love of another will make them whole, but I do not agree. If you are able to love yourself then, and only then can you really appreciate the love of another. I think that's why this society has so many divorces and so much unhappiness. We are slammed with ideas of the perfect wedding, of TV shows like the Bachelor, of ideas that we are never enough with magazines and medicine for every little thing. I think we've lost the idea that loving oneself is just as important as loving another. After all, how can we know what loving another feels like if we do not have love for ourselves?

Once this personal acceptance occurs, it is possible to recognize the ability to find your inner happiness in someone else. The beauty of love is that is transcends all and it knows all. It knows pain, but forgives, it knows compassion, kindness, worry, doubt, joy, peace, trust, calmness; to know all of these gives us as individuals an opportunity to learn. In learning we associate good things to happiness. In loving another there is a great risk of heartache or of failure, but with that great risk, the serendipitous possibility of finding it is practically overpowering.

Sometimes, however, I believe that people seek out the wrong thing when they say they are looking for happiness. This is because happiness is not a "thing" or and "action". Rather, it is something that must come from inside. If you are not in touch with your inner self, if you do not love yourself, your concept of happiness will never be fulfilled. I believe we make our own heaven and we also have the ability to make our own hell. Those individuals seek to find things to replace that hell, saying it is happiness they lack, however, is this true? It's a frame of mind; there are things that bring happiness, of course, and understanding these things help to bring our paths closer to happiness.

For example, what is to understand the beauty of a lullaby from a mother's heart? What is it to understand a sunset? We can see the sunset, and we can hear a lullaby, but to understand them you must search deep inside yourself and understand what those things bring to your own happiness.

For me, sunrises and sunsets are beautiful. The universe opens and closes a new day with beauty, and that gives me hope. No matter how horrible things can be in one day, look outside and see that the day ends with something beautiful. It also brings a sense of stability, like the stars or the mood or the sun. No matter how scary or crazy or stressful a day can be the moon is always out at night, the stars always flicker, the sun rises with beauty and the day is closed with the beauty of a sunset. I understand that part of myself, why I love them, and I enjoy each and every one of them every day, they bring me happiness, because I've taken the time to understand what they mean to me. Also, for me, whenever I hear You Are My Sunshine or My Favorite Things, I always am taken back to falling asleep while my mom sung them to me. While I've sought to find copies of those songs to have now, none of them ever compare to my mom's voice late at night. There was just something about her touch as I was falling asleep, and her voice in song that comforted me. The way she sung them was perfect to me, and brings me happiness and peacefulness whenever I try and remember her voice. Every time I have trouble sleeping I try and remember how I felt at those times, and it always helps me to drift off.

The point of all this, I suppose, is to empower anyone reading this to love themselves. Find things that make you truly happy, for yourself before anyone else, and then share them. Teach someone what it means to love yourself, yes it is possible. Give someone a hug, listen to them when they need to talk, tell them to love themselves for who they are. If everyone understood this, I think there would be a lot less sad people. If you can't find love for yourself, when you have to live with yourself every day of your life, than that would be a very sad life. Those people just don't look hard enough inside themselves. So look deep and love you, find happiness, find love, and live it, all of it.

Song of the Day: Those Sweet Words - Norah Jones

Lyrics of the Day:

"They shine a little brighter, the feel a little more

They touch your life in ways no one has ever done before

They love a little stronger, they live to give their best

They make our lives so blest, so why do they go so soon?

The ones with souls so beautiful..."

Spirits Among Us

2008-09-08T13:16:00.003-04:00

Yesterday morning I got up early and went for a walk, which has become a bit of a routine for me. It makes my day so much easier when I can get all my thoughts and feelings out at once and in the morning so that I do not have the pressures of said things weighing on my mind all day.

Anyway, as I came near my farthest destination I came across a baby bird. A beautiful green and yellow, quite cute actually. He looked scared so I walked cautiously around him, and when he didn't fly away I stopped and sat down near him by the grass. I thought maybe I should move him from the pavement so that he doesn't get stepped on by someone, or run over by something else. I crouched down really close to him, only a few inches, talked to him a little bit to try and calm him down, although, I'm not sure that helped much. I wasn't sure what to do, but I felt bad for him, so I continued on to finish my walk and would see if he was still there on the way back in about fifteen minutes.

Well, when I came back, there he was, in the middle of the sidewalk. I felt so bad for him, being so small and alone, crying out for his mother. I sat down close to him again and just as I made up my mind to move him to the grass (there are worms, and maybe his parents would find him and be able to feed him if they knew he was more safe), he flies up into the nearby tree. It brought a smile to my face. Actually, it made me think of my Grandma. Maybe it was her, maybe it wasn't, but I remember one of the last days she was alive, while she was sleeping I took my camera outside in their backyard to take pictures of all the beautiful Finches that were eating from their bird feeder.

While the concept of a spirit of a loved one coming to us through visual reminders seems a bit far fetched, it could be accurate. When we found out that my Grandma was in fact going to die from the disease, we all were together and talked to her about what she was going to come back to us as. I never really got into the conversation because I was still a little messed up about the whole situation, but my Grandma was a firm believer that it could happen. I mean, they don't actually have to be coming through as that animal or that butterfly or that smell, but maybe they are able to send those messages, right time right place kind of thing to us to help us remember them. I know it made me think of her, and that really helps being able to look back on those things.

Another example, well, two in fact, happened to me during the summer. I had taken to spending a lot of time outside, just sitting and enjoying the beautiful weather. It's just something that helped me in dealing with things. Well, one day I found a baby bunny, one of Lexi's (my dog's) favorite things to chase outside of squirrels and chipmunks. Well, I felt so bad for it that I grabbed Lexi, shoved her inside, and tried to chase the bunny away before it could be chased. I followed it over to the fence and it just sat there looking at me. I got about a foot from it and took its picture, but it just sat there, now - what bunny just sits and lets a human get that close to it?

One of the last days of being home before going back to school I was outside again, reading, listening to music, it was late in the day, the sun was going down, it was just beautiful out. Well, all of the sudden I hear this ridiculous noise fly by my ear, it was like nothing I'd ever heard before. I screamed of course, thinking it was the biggest bug of all time, and looked in front of me, and there was a beautiful hummingbird. Just hovering over some almost dead flowers from my Grandma's viewing. I had never seen one up close before, certainly never had one fly literally 2 inches from my face. It made me think of my Grandma, and of course I ran in and told my mom. She then told me about a time when her and my Grandpa were out in my Grandma's garden soon after she died and they saw one, and my Grandpa told her he thought it was Grandma. I mean these little coincidences couldn't all be such, could they?

Either way, it just is a cool thought to think that she could be coming back and bringing happiness to us again, just like she did when she was alive. I'm thankful for these experiences, whether they are her or not, because regardless, they have made me think of her. And to me, that is all that is important.

Song of the Day: In The Red - Tina Dico

-This is probably one of the most heart breaking - most romantic songs I've ever heard. It's amazing and I love it.

"Love is a thousand shades of grey

And we know

There's not a safe or certain way to go

But when we've seen all, uneasiness and hate, it will show

That is all means nothing, it all means nothing, nothing at all"

Exhaustion

2008-08-29T01:02:00.003-04:00

This week has been an interesting one for sure. It amazes me how exhausted one can be after only a week of classes. My brain was very out of shape for learning. Maybe, rather, my brain has just been overloaded over the summer and now it hates me. I do not know. What I do know is that I'm tired. And being sad on top of that doesn't help.

I am having a bit of a hard time being at school. Don't get me wrong, I love it here, I love being with friends again, I love going to class, having a purpose, feeling like I'm accomplishing something with my life by being here. But then again, it's lonely too. In a different way than a physical loneliness. It's more of a spiritual one I think. I don't know how to fill that void out. I don't know if I want to. No, I'm not depressed, it's different, it's just sadness in its purest form. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I don't want people to pretend everything is perfect either. I just want someone to try to understand, even just someone who will listen. So far, nobody wants that role. I call, nobody answers, I reach out, other things are more important it seems. That's ok, I understand, I wouldn't want to deal with me either. I guess my Grandma was the only person who ever really really wanted to hear it. Maybe that should end with her. Sometimes I wonder why the brain makes your heart feel pain but won't allow you to cry. It seems cruel.

I've started walking again. And when I walk, I walk far, like 4 or more miles there and 4 miles back far (depending on where I go maybe farther). It may not seem like a lot, but that's far for my old hips. Lol. But I find solace in that time, I almost wish I could run it sometimes, but then again, if I was running, I couldn't think as much and as deeply. I have found a special place just for me where I just sit and look up at the stars for a while. Especially in the winter. I love that. It's my secret though, ok, it isn't really a secret, but nobody goes there just to think I'm sure.

On another note I find reading other people's blogs fascinating. The thing I love about them is that everyone is doing the same thing, trying to understand life, to enjoy life, to live life. I find that honorable, even if it's just in a little blog. I was really touched by this song tonight, it's a bit ridiculous because of who sung it, but she was good when her first album came out.

I'm With You - Avril Lavigne

"I'm looking for a place

I'm searching for a face

Is anybody here I know

Cause nothing's going right

And everything's a mess

And no one likes to be alone"

Beginning Anew

2008-08-26T15:22:00.003-04:00

Well, I have resisted this long in creating one of these, partially because I figured, like Xanga or LiveJournal, I would never use it. But as college life resumes and people are asking questions, I thought I would give it a go!

As my inaugural entry I thought I would talk about one of my favorite things....Disney movies! : ) My mom had asked me to make her a ringtone from The Little Mermaid, since it is one of my favorite, certainly most self-associated Disney flicks that I have loved since I was small. So, I did so, Part Of Your World is pretty much an accurate depiction of my life if you think about it. A young women, different from everyone else, having so much yet longing for so much more in life, yearning for a world where she feels she belongs. Well, welcome to my life. One of my favorite parts from that song is when she talks about how you can only get so far by flipping your fins and how she longs to participate in the outside world.

And if you know me, you know that fits me. How I swam for so long, loved it more than anything, but got sick of doing it and wanted more out of life. And also, how I would give anything to be able to run and jump and dance like every one else.

Anyway, yeah, I love that movie. So I decided to Youtube some of the broadway play. I've spent the last 3 hours watching clips from it. Let me tell you, Sierra Boggess who plays Ariel is amazing. When I was in Maryland for my doctors appointment during Spring Break we made a trip up to New York and it killed me that we couldn't go to it! It had just been released and :sigh: I wish I had had the money and time to go.

Anyway, enough of that! My new room, I will tell you about it! It's cozy, comfy, and perfect for one! I have my beds in an "L" shape for the first time, and I love it like that. I have a great view out my window, of a courtyard and trees. I can't wait for mid October when the leaves are so beautiful here. They are already starting to turn and I am excited! I just ordered 2 posters to decorate my, as of now, bare walls. They are the pictures at the top, because, I love them. I still haven't figured out the workings of this blog thing, so if they are a little bit oddly placed, sorry!

I've had a few friends stop by, and it has been fun just hanging out with my "other" family, being happy and smiling again. In fact, if any of you are reading this, and you live in Burnam, my door is unlocked and you can come on in! I'm looking forward to some of my friends from home coming down here and sharing my school world with me. At least, they better....ha

Not much else to report, I started classes today, and I LOVE them. I cannot wait to soak up as much information as I can. I love my professors and can't wait to get back into the swing of things. It's weird because 5 people from one of my classes last semester are actually in one of my classes this semester. And then, at least six people come from my 9:30 class and go to my 11:00 class! That has never happened before. Plus! I am in all the same rooms this semester as I was in last! Odd.

Well, to be honest, I get much sleep last night. I got hooked on a TNT movie around 2ish, didn't go to bed until 5ish, and woke up at 7:30. So, I think I'm going to enjoy a nice nap to some good music, and just love my life even more! Also, my song of the moment is an old school Alanis Morrisette song: You Live, You Learn. I think it is so true! Google the lyrics, I think you will agree.

"You live, you learn, you love, you learn, you cry, you laugh, you learn".

-E