Exhaustion

This week has been an interesting one for sure.  It amazes me how exhausted one can be after only a week of classes.  My brain was very out of shape for learning.  Maybe, rather, my brain has just been overloaded over the summer and now it hates me.  I do not know.  What I do know is that I'm tired.  And being sad on top of that doesn't help.

I am having a bit of a hard time being at school.  Don't get me wrong, I love it here, I love being with friends again, I love going to class, having a purpose, feeling like I'm accomplishing something with my life by being here.  But then again, it's lonely too.  In a different way than a physical loneliness.  It's more of a spiritual one I think.  I don't know how to fill that void out.  I don't know if I want to.  No, I'm not depressed, it's different, it's just sadness in its purest form.  I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I don't want people to pretend everything is perfect either.  I just want someone to try to understand, even just someone who will listen.  So far, nobody wants that role.  I call, nobody answers, I reach out, other things are more important it seems.  That's ok, I understand, I wouldn't want to deal with me either.  I guess my Grandma was the only person who ever really really wanted to hear it.  Maybe that should end with her.  Sometimes I wonder why the brain makes your heart feel pain but won't allow you to cry.  It seems cruel.

I've started walking again.  And when I walk, I walk far, like 4 or more miles there and 4 miles back far (depending on where I go maybe farther).  It may not seem like a lot, but that's far for my old hips.  Lol.  But I find solace in that time, I almost wish I could run it sometimes, but then again, if I was running, I couldn't think as much and as deeply.  I have found a special place just for me where I just sit and look up at the stars for a while.  Especially in the winter.  I love that.  It's my secret though, ok, it isn't really a secret, but nobody goes there just to think I'm sure.

On another note I find reading other people's blogs fascinating.  The thing I love about them is that everyone is doing the same thing, trying to understand life, to enjoy life, to live life.  I find that honorable, even if it's just in a little blog.  I was really touched by this song tonight, it's a bit ridiculous because of who sung it, but she was good when her first album came out.

I'm With You - Avril Lavigne

"I'm looking for a place

I'm searching for a face

Is anybody here I know

Cause nothing's going right

And everything's a mess

And no one likes to be alone"

Beginning Anew

Well, I have resisted this long in creating one of these, partially because I figured, like Xanga or LiveJournal, I would never use it.  But as college life resumes and people are asking questions, I thought I would give it a go!  

As my inaugural entry I thought I would talk about one of my favorite things....Disney movies!  : )  My mom had asked me to make her a ringtone from The Little Mermaid, since it is one of my favorite, certainly most self-associated Disney flicks that I have loved since I was small.  So, I did so, Part Of Your World is pretty much an accurate depiction of my life if you think about it.  A young women, different from everyone else, having so much yet longing for so much more in life, yearning for a world where she feels she belongs.  Well, welcome to my life.  One of my favorite parts from that song is when she talks about how you can only get so far by flipping your fins and how she longs to participate in the outside world. 

And if you know me, you know that fits me.  How I swam for so long, loved it more than anything, but got sick of doing it and wanted more out of life.  And also, how I would give anything to be able to run and jump and dance like every one else.

Anyway, yeah, I love that movie.  So I decided to Youtube some of the broadway play.  I've spent the last 3 hours watching clips from it.  Let me tell you, Sierra Boggess who plays Ariel is amazing.  When I was in Maryland for my doctors appointment during Spring Break we made a trip up to  New York and it killed me that we couldn't go to it!  It had just been released and :sigh: I wish I had had the money and time to go.

Anyway, enough of that!  My new room, I will tell you about it!  It's cozy, comfy, and perfect for one!  I have my beds in an "L" shape for the first time, and I love it like that.  I have a great view out my window, of a courtyard and trees.  I can't wait for mid October when the leaves are so beautiful here.  They are already starting to turn and I am excited!  I just ordered 2 posters to decorate my, as of now, bare walls.  They are the pictures at the top, because, I love them.  I still haven't figured out the workings of this blog thing, so if they are a little bit oddly placed, sorry!

I've had a few friends stop by, and it has been fun just hanging out with my "other" family, being happy and smiling again.  In fact, if any of you are reading this, and you live in Burnam, my door is unlocked and you can come on in!  I'm looking forward to some of my friends from home coming down here and sharing my school world with me.  At least, they better....ha

Not much else to report, I started classes today, and I LOVE them.  I cannot wait to soak up as much information as I can.  I love my professors and can't wait to get back into the swing of things.  It's weird because 5 people from one of my classes last semester are actually in one of my classes this semester.  And then, at least six people come from my 9:30 class and go to my 11:00 class!  That has never happened before.  Plus!  I am in all the same rooms this semester as I was in last!  Odd.

Well, to be honest, I get much sleep last night.  I got hooked on a TNT movie around 2ish, didn't go to bed until 5ish, and woke up at 7:30.  So, I think I'm going to enjoy a nice nap to some good music, and just love my life even more!  Also, my song of the moment is an old school Alanis Morrisette song:  You Live, You Learn.  I think it is so true!  Google the lyrics, I think you will agree. 

"You live, you learn, you love, you learn, you cry, you laugh, you learn".

-E