Exhaustion

This week has been an interesting one for sure.  It amazes me how exhausted one can be after only a week of classes.  My brain was very out of shape for learning.  Maybe, rather, my brain has just been overloaded over the summer and now it hates me.  I do not know.  What I do know is that I'm tired.  And being sad on top of that doesn't help.

I am having a bit of a hard time being at school.  Don't get me wrong, I love it here, I love being with friends again, I love going to class, having a purpose, feeling like I'm accomplishing something with my life by being here.  But then again, it's lonely too.  In a different way than a physical loneliness.  It's more of a spiritual one I think.  I don't know how to fill that void out.  I don't know if I want to.  No, I'm not depressed, it's different, it's just sadness in its purest form.  I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I don't want people to pretend everything is perfect either.  I just want someone to try to understand, even just someone who will listen.  So far, nobody wants that role.  I call, nobody answers, I reach out, other things are more important it seems.  That's ok, I understand, I wouldn't want to deal with me either.  I guess my Grandma was the only person who ever really really wanted to hear it.  Maybe that should end with her.  Sometimes I wonder why the brain makes your heart feel pain but won't allow you to cry.  It seems cruel.

I've started walking again.  And when I walk, I walk far, like 4 or more miles there and 4 miles back far (depending on where I go maybe farther).  It may not seem like a lot, but that's far for my old hips.  Lol.  But I find solace in that time, I almost wish I could run it sometimes, but then again, if I was running, I couldn't think as much and as deeply.  I have found a special place just for me where I just sit and look up at the stars for a while.  Especially in the winter.  I love that.  It's my secret though, ok, it isn't really a secret, but nobody goes there just to think I'm sure.

On another note I find reading other people's blogs fascinating.  The thing I love about them is that everyone is doing the same thing, trying to understand life, to enjoy life, to live life.  I find that honorable, even if it's just in a little blog.  I was really touched by this song tonight, it's a bit ridiculous because of who sung it, but she was good when her first album came out.

I'm With You - Avril Lavigne

"I'm looking for a place

I'm searching for a face

Is anybody here I know

Cause nothing's going right

And everything's a mess

And no one likes to be alone"