Open & Honest

Many people look at me and wonder why I do not have many friends. I have even asked myself this same question while I was growing up. People used to and still do look down on me because of it. The friends I have had never appreciated me, they pegged me for advice, wanted me to pull them out of jams, used me as a shoulder, etc. I am happy to be that person for the people I care about. Even for complete strangers, I am comfortable in that role, it is a natural fit for me, always has been. Do not get me wrong, I love them all dearly, but to give, give, and get nothing in return is difficult. Therefore, my way of dealing with this is to limit the number I have. I could have a million relationships with people and call them friends, but they are just empty promises. Promises not to be there when I am sad or when I need a shoulder.

When my Grandma died, all the "friends" I thought I had, left. Apparently, the situation was too intense, too touchy to stick around. I get it, I really do. Death is not a fun situation to deal with. Since then, I have withheld from forming any close relationships. Mostly for my own protection, mostly out of fear. Not only did I lose my best friend to the rarest form of cancer (yes that is significant), but I also lost the only person I trusted completely. That was hard. It would be hard for anyone. I am not singling myself out for that. To lose that so suddenly, though, on top of all the other people in my life, was most difficult. It only added to the stress of the situation.

Every day and night for 3 months, I took care of her. I averaged in that time, maybe an hour of continuous sleep a night, if that, and no, I am not being drastic or exaggerating. It was draining, physically and emotionally. However, truth be told, it was the most important thing I have ever, or will ever, do with my life.

At the viewing and funeral, my mom and dad, aunt and uncle, brother, and cousins had all their friends there for support. I stood there empty inside, as the people I called friends slowly trickled off in the 3 months leading up to her death. I put on a brave face for my family. Shaking hands of crying strangers, acknowledging what "they" lost. The viewing was 5 hours long, a continuous line of visitors, and I swear I never want to hear “I’m sorry” ever again. My policy has become, if you don’t break my heart, kill my dog, insult someone in my family, or punch me in the face, you have nothing to apologize for. I took the role of the eldest grandchild, which was expected of me. I did this because I knew it was a time to celebrate my Grandma, time for other people’s grief. After that day I put mine on hold. I had promised her the night before she died, while I was sitting with her, rubbing her back like an ill child, that I would take care of my family. I would keep us together, that we would all be okay, that I would make sure of it. I promised her that.

Somehow, since then, my life has taken a back seat to emotion, to grief, to confusion. After that, I lost whatever grip over my emotions I had. Scrambling, confused, uncertain, but mostly scared. Since then, I have been emotionally raw. Unpredictable, stressed, grieving, I suppose. Mostly stuffing that grief, or so I have been told. I was also told that this method is not healthy, but I do it without awareness.

I used to pride myself in my ability to be rational, never letting emotion get in the way. Ever. Emotion is irrational, so, I never succumbed to it. And if I did, I did it privately for an hour and was done with it. Now, things have changed for me. I am emotional. I am raw. I will be the first to admit. I jump to conclusions; I make assumptions that I should not. I know this, I can see myself doing it, but I cannot stop it. I do not know how to be an emotional person, and I have not learned how to keep them in check.

Fear, anger, love, attraction, guilt, apprehension, trust, are now all things that scare the hell out of me. I wish to banish them, but they will not go away. When I am hurt, when I am scared, I resort to a person I do not know or understand. I am not making excuses; rather, realizing and accepting outwardly that I do not know how to handle them. Trust me, I personally am a very mature individual. If you knew me, really knew me, you would know the experiences I have dealt with in my life have made me grow up very quickly from an early age. However, I am immature with my feelings and my emotions. I know I am. I hate it more than anything, but it's who I am now. I will not apologize for it; I will not make excuses, either. It is just how it is until I can figure everything out, until I can learn how to deal with my grief.

Grief, what a nasty little word that is. It has transformed my life over the last year. Not in a bad way, per se. It has just changed me. As has losing someone whom I was so close to. All the people who have met me “since” then have been wonderful. I have learned to trust again, to an extent. As soon as I let my guard down, though, I get hurt. This is why I am still very guarded. Especially when I have a hard day, like today, where I miss my Grandma to a painful extent.

When something reminds me of her, a picture, an event, a video, a memory, a smell, a dream, I become emotionally raw. It is not something I am proud of, but it happens. On days such as these I lose my maturity, I lose my self-assurance, I act like a kid. On these days, I am not fun to be around. I have the ability to freak out and lose my head. I read into things, I over analyze, I over react. Jokes that may have been funny yesterday, deeply hurt me on other days. If you are close to me, you will know this. You will recognize it right away if you look for it.

Today was one of those hard days. I found a video I had made on this date a year ago of my Grandma that I had not seen. It showed her at a time right before things went downhill, and for some reason, I lost it. I didn't cry, I was just whole-heartedly sad. A pain weighed on my heart the whole day and I avoided having conversations. I couldn't even talk to my mom. Seclusion is the only way for me to deal with this. I understand that I need to reach out, but that vulnerability scares me. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know if I trust anyone enough yet to ask for help.

This, I will apologize for, the rash behavior. One of the bad things about being guarded and protective of my feelings is when I am not “fine”; people think I am a cruel or mean person. I promise, I am not. My true colors shine when someone I love is in need. Have you ever had a day where you just said, “screw the world”? Should we all be entitled to them occasionally? I think so.

From Good Friday until my birthday, I will guarantee that my emotions will be on the fritz. I cannot help it. Especially in this first year after her death. The “firsts” are the hardest. And until May 21^st, everything is a first for me. Whom I trust, whom I talk to, what I talk about, how I react, what I say, how I feel, what choices I make, all these things are new and different for me. For this, all I can ask is a little leeway. Hang tight until June 9^th. It will not be an entirely rocky road, but there will be days when I am extremely sad and overly emotional. I will apologize for them now, but, I warn you, I probably won’t own up to them until the next day. I get so clouded with emotion and frustration and anger that I can’t see or think clearly. When this happens, I tend to stay away from people, but sometimes this is unavoidable.

I am not writing this to a person, I am not writing this towards an event, although those have influence, certainly. Things have opened my eyes and I have been thinking about writing this down for some time. I am writing this as a collective “sigh” to everyone. A collective outreach to anyone who knows how hard dealing with the firsts is. This is a collective sharing. Something that is extremely rare for me.

To those whom I have the privilege of calling friend, I love you. All of you. I know it has and will be a rocky road, but thank you for sticking by me on this journey. Thank you for showing me that life goes on after death. That through people, through friends, through family, grief and the pain of losing someone is lessened.

If you are a new friend, I hope this has left you with a better understanding of me. Someday things will be semi-normal. Someday, hopefully soon, I will learn to better talk about my feelings, some day I will trust people to listen, to understand, to notice the signs and to be there for me, and not run away, as did those a year ago. Someday I will be able to trust the people in my life with my feelings, but that is not today.

If I have shared with you, if I have confided in you, if I have told you I trust you, if I have told you I love you, feel honored, because I mean it whole-heartedly. I don’t say things like that very often. You are one of few, I promise you that. If I have not, it is nothing personal, I still value everything you give to me as a friend and hope to grow with you in friendship. All I ask is for a little patience, a little understanding, a little faith. If I have been there for you during a hard time, if you care about me, please hold onto that person on bad days.

I love you all. You know who you are.

Quote of the Day:

"At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. We pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day - those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need."

Lyric of the Day:

"Anchors away, I can't promise you that everything will be okay. All I can say, is when the water comes, so will the horizon."