Insomnia

Let me tell you a story of one of the worst things, ever. Chronic insomnia. To be exhausted, but not able to do anything about it, that helplessness, totally no fun. At all. This has been, continually, a problem I've had my whole life. I've never slept. And when I have, they certainly have never been normal hours. I'm a 6 am- noon kind of person (if I'm exceptionally lucky and have no classes, no responsibilities, no life). But, not by choice.

Like, tonight for instance. I decided, I'll go to bed at 11, get up early, work on my drawing a bit more, everything will be hunky dory. I was excited. So, in bed I was at 10:45…ok I never generally left bed today (4 day weekends at school are awful), but I had the teeth brushed, the fan on, the lights off, the computer closed, music off, PJs on (never really got out of those - minus the shower! today either, who am I kidding?), and I was ready for bed. Now usually, if I'm tired enough, I can be asleep in about half hour to forty-five minutes. I planned accordingly. So there I laid, my mind was blank (another problem most nights!) and I had nowhere to go or be or do or any of that. So, naturally, a normal person would drift off into sleep and dream lovely things for 7 or 8 hours, right? Well, not me. I laid there, and laid there, and laid there, until I basically got so bored trying to fall asleep, I gave up. So here it is, 6 (7) in the morning and I'm not only wide awake, but totally not happy about it. Hence the rant.

I mean, seriously, what the hell? My mom was having a conversation with a dear friend of ours when she visited me in Maryland over the summer, and I learned that I have never, ever spelt through the night. Not when I was a baby, not when I was a child, never. It's a bit pathetic. Granted, when I was a teenager, I pushed those bedtimes to the max, but what kid doesn't? And I totally could do it too, why not? Most kids, push it until midnight. I pushed it until 2, 3, 4 in the morning. Back in the day when I had to be up for school at 6:15 every morning. Not smart, right? I am able to function on about 2 hours of sleep. When discussing this in my Psychology class a few weeks ago, the teacher all but called me a freak. You must get sick often, non? Nope, never get sick. You must nap during the day. Nope, don't do that either. Once I'm up, I'm up. She's like, wow, bl-ok then, you're one lucky girl, next. Really? I'd rather sleep, thank you.

Now, most would say, sleeping pills! PMs! I say, hell to the no. Why? One Advil or Tylenol PM will knock me out. Cold. For about 24 hours. No exaggeration. So what happens when I take half? They do nothing. I just can't do it, can't take them even if I wanted to. I've been to doctors, nothing is wrong with me, I'm just not wired right or something. I don't know. But it sucks. It's also why I make friends in different time zones, and why I had a 4 year successful Californian long distance relationship, I'm up anyway, why not? Over the summer, when I was working like 17 hour days (uhg, ridiculous), I would be so exhausted I could hardly function. I was in bed by 9:30 and up at 5. But, you'd think as soon as my head would hit the pillow, I'd be out cold. Solid 8ish hours of sleep, right? Wrong. Asleep no earlier than 2:30, and had to be up no later than 5. It freaking sucked. The experience was wonderful, but I swear, it about killed me.

Now, I've tried everything under the sun to try and remedy this little predicament I've, well, honestly, been born with. I tried reading before bed, I tried all the various levels of noises (white, purple, etc.), tried classical music, thunderstorms, computer reading, drawing, writing, walking really late, different pillows, different bedding, blankets, different room temperatures (I do know I have nightmares without a fan - but I have to GET to sleep first), different bed height variations, different clothes, etc. You name it, I've tried it to fix this shit. Nothing helps.

So yes, you wanna know why I'm always awake? Me too. Me to the freaking too. I also would like to know how much more of a freak I can be on a regular basis. I know, right?