I want to start this entry out with a quote that I find pretty amazing.
"What is family? They were the people who claimed you. In good, in bad, in parts or in whole, they were the ones who showed up, who stayed in there, regardless. It wasn’t just about blood relations or shared chromosomes, but something wider, bigger. We had many families over time. Our family of origin, the family we created, and the groups you moved through while all of this was happening: friends, lovers, sometimes even strangers. None of them perfect, and we couldn’t expect them to be. You can’t make any one person your world. The trick was to take what each could give you and build your world from it."
– Sarah Dessen
So, this whole thing about relationships. I was thinking about it today. My whole life, I never wanted one. Ever. I didn't want love, I didn't think boys were worth my time, I didn't think relationships were worth wasting energy on. I was the girl who was ok with being alone, ok with choosing not to date, ok just being. Sure I was made fun of for it, called a freak, anti-social, a loner, but I didn't really care. I realized early on that I didn't need other people to define my existence. Didn't need other people to share part of me with. And I was actually pretty happy.
Then she came along.
Yeah, I said she. Get over it.
:Side note:
I'm happy with who I am, and if you aren't, than just so you know, respectfully, you're missing out in knowing me.
:Resume:
She bulldozed the life out of me. She shook me up. She changed how I felt about love. In more ways than the good one. By bulldoze, I mean bulldoze. She broke me. Tore me apart. Ripped through my heart and my soul. Mostly because I gave it all willingly to her, unapologetically. I gave her my all. She made me into a cliche. And it pissed me off. I'm anything but a cliche. Nothing about me is norm. But I let her have me, and she decided to crush me. Whatever.
So, I moved on. Actually, I moved on really quickly. It took a dying Grandma and another girl, long story, don't ask, but I did. Part of what kept me with her, putting up with the abuse was the fact that I didn't have an out. I didn't know how to get out of it because I was so wrapped and tangled into it. Not a good place to be. Constantly fighting with your own head about whether or not it's love, "how can love be painful?" but you know..."love has to be enough"..."she really loves me, she just doesn't know how to show it". But love isn't enough. Infatuation isn't enough. But the thing about love is, it consumes you. You need it like a drug. But when it's a destructive drug, one that causes you pain, that love isn't enough.
"The crazy thing about love is, once you have it, once you can feel it take up every fiber of your being, love isn’t the scary thing anymore, losing it is."
Nothing is really ever enough, one must strive to change, strive to become better for the other person, better for oneself. That's what I lacked in that relationship, I wasn't growing or changing for the better. I became someone I wasn't, someone I didn't know. I pretended to like things so that we would have things to share. I wavered on what I thought was right and wrong to be with her because I loved her. I was not the person I was supposed to become. I was at an age when I should have been starting the path to discover those things, but instead, I moved back. Much farther back than I ever knew was possible.
I truly believe that when you find the person you're supposed to be with (not that soul mate crap) it's more like you'll find the person that you're meant to grow with. The person who is meant to help you grow into something and someone better. Life is a constant state of change and learning. Of growth. That's what that special person is meant to help you with, that journey. They're meant to be your co-pilot. Helping you by taking over the controls when you need a little break. Maybe even pressing the auto-pilot button for you when you just can't do it, so that they can just be there for you, hold you, comfort you. Someone who knows you well enough to know when to help and how. Someone who just knows you, without words or actions, because they've taken the time to learn. People who believe in soul mates are people who don't want to do the work. They want a quick fix, poof! a soul mate you is made for you so there's no work involved. No, the person that I'm speaking of, you pick and in return they pick you back. We know when people are good for us, when we just fit with someone. Mostly because both parties try. They work. The put in the effort. That's the person. That will be my person.
Anyway, here I am, 22 years old, only having ever been in serious relationships. Two to be exact. Well, one serious, one not going anywhere but still kinda serious serious. I've never even been on a date. I'm damaged goods. Like, seriously. I've had my heart crushed, shattered, bruised, and put back together at least 150 times. No joke, that's how many times GF #1 broke my heart. And I let her, so whatever, but still, like I said, very damaged.
So here I am, desperately holding onto myself. Trying to rebuild, reassess, reexamine who I am. Because I want someone to come and for me to not be so messed up. I want to be on a path of growth, of self-awareness when I meet the right one. And that is what 2009 has been for me. A journey. A life-altering journey, just as 2008 was. But through these last 2 years of journey I've learned so much about myself. I've literally learned how to be me. I've taken the steps necessary to get myself into a path of growth. A path where I'm ready to grow, to learn, to change. To keep growing, and learning, and changing. I'm on a path of setting up my own life, and it's a path where I'm happy, a path that I like.
2010 will be a big year. I'm graduating college. But surprisingly, that isn't the single most life changing event for me. I've already had those, two of them to be exact. Two very hard life altering things. So as far as I'm concerned, 2010 can only be an improvement. And I'm ok with that. I'm going to make the best out of 2010. But most of all, I'm going to be more open. I want to find someone again. I've changed from that kid who doesn't need people to an adult who wants to try to need people. To an adult who wants someone to share the good in me with. Because for once in my life, I think I deserve that. I'm at a point where I think I've earned it. I think one has to earn it. Work for it. And it isn't just through relationship experience.
For all intensive purposes, I'm a "newborn" (stole the word - eat it) in the relationship/lesbian thing. I don't have much experience, but I'm ok with that. I've been hiding the last four years. Because of my life status. If I found someone in KY, I'd move back to OH after graduation. If I found someone in OH, I'm probably moving to DC or MD. I've been hiding from relationships. Waiting for my life to begin its path into complete stability. It was just too complicated and I decided to hide out, put my heart on hold, etc. Instead, I've focused on preparing myself instead. I'm self-aware. I'm self-knowledgable. I have connected with people and with things around me to know what I want. I don't want frivolous flings and dates under my belt, I want the connection. I want the soul binding, heart wrenching, awe inspiring relationship. I know what I want, and I don't need experience in dating to understand that. While my peers have spent their time sleeping around and getting around, I've been learning about important life experiences. About the value of life. About the value of family and of friends. Of honor, of commitment, of respect, of inner strength, of dignity, of faith, of kindness, of hopefulness, of happiness. I've learned the value and the power of love. Real true love. The kind of love that isn't given. The kind that must be worked for. I've known that. I know that. I've learned how to work into that, I've learned.
Yes, in my 22 years I may not have a lot of relationship experience, but I know what I'm looking for. And believe you me, in 2010, I'll be looking for it. I won't be hiding anymore. My eyes will be open, my heart will be guarded, but strong and open. And I will be ready when it comes, whenever it comes. I'm ready. In 2010, I'm not changing or needing to learn who I am. I don't need to discover those things, I've been doing that, and will keep doing that. Because that's what we do. We grow. My New Year's Resolution is to be open, to be honorable, to be respectful, to be kind, compassionate, caring, loving, soulful, to be kind, to love hard, to laugh harder, and to be happy. Because finally, after years of searching, I've chosen that for myself.
The quote I put up at the top is a powerful one. It's so truthful. We have many different families at many different times. We have people we count on, trust, love, journey with. People who change us in one way or another. I wrote about relationships up top, just because it was on my mind. But really, in 2010, it's about family. Building a bridge to people. Creating bonds, learning new things, savoring the ties that bind individuals in this thing called life together. So, for those of you who have journeyed with me over the last year, thank you. I love all of you. I'm thankful you are in my life. Even if we've never met, if you've inspired me, changed me with your words, with a smile, with a laugh in the distance on a bad day, taken the time to listen to what I've had to say, made my day a little brighter in any way, thank you. Thank you for making this year, although trying at times, pretty wonderful. Thank you for the journey. For the imprint you've made in my life. Even if for only a moment, you all have been a part of me, a part of a network of family to me. For that I am ever grateful.
Thank you.
And to end the posts of 2009, here is a cute quote, one I hope to, piece by piece, begin to discover more of in 2010. I wish the same for all of you as well.
“I may still not know what I fully want to be when I grow up, but I do know that someday I want to live in a house filled with my books and travel souvenirs. And the walls that aren’t covered in bookshelves will be covered with photos of my family and friends. When I leave the house I will be going to a job I love, and I’ll return to a person I love with all my heart, and who loves me the same. So, that’s the dream I’m working on.”
"What is family? They were the people who claimed you. In good, in bad, in parts or in whole, they were the ones who showed up, who stayed in there, regardless. It wasn’t just about blood relations or shared chromosomes, but something wider, bigger. We had many families over time. Our family of origin, the family we created, and the groups you moved through while all of this was happening: friends, lovers, sometimes even strangers. None of them perfect, and we couldn’t expect them to be. You can’t make any one person your world. The trick was to take what each could give you and build your world from it."
– Sarah Dessen
So, this whole thing about relationships. I was thinking about it today. My whole life, I never wanted one. Ever. I didn't want love, I didn't think boys were worth my time, I didn't think relationships were worth wasting energy on. I was the girl who was ok with being alone, ok with choosing not to date, ok just being. Sure I was made fun of for it, called a freak, anti-social, a loner, but I didn't really care. I realized early on that I didn't need other people to define my existence. Didn't need other people to share part of me with. And I was actually pretty happy.
Then she came along.
Yeah, I said she. Get over it.
:Side note:
I'm happy with who I am, and if you aren't, than just so you know, respectfully, you're missing out in knowing me.
:Resume:
She bulldozed the life out of me. She shook me up. She changed how I felt about love. In more ways than the good one. By bulldoze, I mean bulldoze. She broke me. Tore me apart. Ripped through my heart and my soul. Mostly because I gave it all willingly to her, unapologetically. I gave her my all. She made me into a cliche. And it pissed me off. I'm anything but a cliche. Nothing about me is norm. But I let her have me, and she decided to crush me. Whatever.
So, I moved on. Actually, I moved on really quickly. It took a dying Grandma and another girl, long story, don't ask, but I did. Part of what kept me with her, putting up with the abuse was the fact that I didn't have an out. I didn't know how to get out of it because I was so wrapped and tangled into it. Not a good place to be. Constantly fighting with your own head about whether or not it's love, "how can love be painful?" but you know..."love has to be enough"..."she really loves me, she just doesn't know how to show it". But love isn't enough. Infatuation isn't enough. But the thing about love is, it consumes you. You need it like a drug. But when it's a destructive drug, one that causes you pain, that love isn't enough.
"The crazy thing about love is, once you have it, once you can feel it take up every fiber of your being, love isn’t the scary thing anymore, losing it is."
Nothing is really ever enough, one must strive to change, strive to become better for the other person, better for oneself. That's what I lacked in that relationship, I wasn't growing or changing for the better. I became someone I wasn't, someone I didn't know. I pretended to like things so that we would have things to share. I wavered on what I thought was right and wrong to be with her because I loved her. I was not the person I was supposed to become. I was at an age when I should have been starting the path to discover those things, but instead, I moved back. Much farther back than I ever knew was possible.
I truly believe that when you find the person you're supposed to be with (not that soul mate crap) it's more like you'll find the person that you're meant to grow with. The person who is meant to help you grow into something and someone better. Life is a constant state of change and learning. Of growth. That's what that special person is meant to help you with, that journey. They're meant to be your co-pilot. Helping you by taking over the controls when you need a little break. Maybe even pressing the auto-pilot button for you when you just can't do it, so that they can just be there for you, hold you, comfort you. Someone who knows you well enough to know when to help and how. Someone who just knows you, without words or actions, because they've taken the time to learn. People who believe in soul mates are people who don't want to do the work. They want a quick fix, poof! a soul mate you is made for you so there's no work involved. No, the person that I'm speaking of, you pick and in return they pick you back. We know when people are good for us, when we just fit with someone. Mostly because both parties try. They work. The put in the effort. That's the person. That will be my person.
Anyway, here I am, 22 years old, only having ever been in serious relationships. Two to be exact. Well, one serious, one not going anywhere but still kinda serious serious. I've never even been on a date. I'm damaged goods. Like, seriously. I've had my heart crushed, shattered, bruised, and put back together at least 150 times. No joke, that's how many times GF #1 broke my heart. And I let her, so whatever, but still, like I said, very damaged.
So here I am, desperately holding onto myself. Trying to rebuild, reassess, reexamine who I am. Because I want someone to come and for me to not be so messed up. I want to be on a path of growth, of self-awareness when I meet the right one. And that is what 2009 has been for me. A journey. A life-altering journey, just as 2008 was. But through these last 2 years of journey I've learned so much about myself. I've literally learned how to be me. I've taken the steps necessary to get myself into a path of growth. A path where I'm ready to grow, to learn, to change. To keep growing, and learning, and changing. I'm on a path of setting up my own life, and it's a path where I'm happy, a path that I like.
2010 will be a big year. I'm graduating college. But surprisingly, that isn't the single most life changing event for me. I've already had those, two of them to be exact. Two very hard life altering things. So as far as I'm concerned, 2010 can only be an improvement. And I'm ok with that. I'm going to make the best out of 2010. But most of all, I'm going to be more open. I want to find someone again. I've changed from that kid who doesn't need people to an adult who wants to try to need people. To an adult who wants someone to share the good in me with. Because for once in my life, I think I deserve that. I'm at a point where I think I've earned it. I think one has to earn it. Work for it. And it isn't just through relationship experience.
For all intensive purposes, I'm a "newborn" (stole the word - eat it) in the relationship/lesbian thing. I don't have much experience, but I'm ok with that. I've been hiding the last four years. Because of my life status. If I found someone in KY, I'd move back to OH after graduation. If I found someone in OH, I'm probably moving to DC or MD. I've been hiding from relationships. Waiting for my life to begin its path into complete stability. It was just too complicated and I decided to hide out, put my heart on hold, etc. Instead, I've focused on preparing myself instead. I'm self-aware. I'm self-knowledgable. I have connected with people and with things around me to know what I want. I don't want frivolous flings and dates under my belt, I want the connection. I want the soul binding, heart wrenching, awe inspiring relationship. I know what I want, and I don't need experience in dating to understand that. While my peers have spent their time sleeping around and getting around, I've been learning about important life experiences. About the value of life. About the value of family and of friends. Of honor, of commitment, of respect, of inner strength, of dignity, of faith, of kindness, of hopefulness, of happiness. I've learned the value and the power of love. Real true love. The kind of love that isn't given. The kind that must be worked for. I've known that. I know that. I've learned how to work into that, I've learned.
Yes, in my 22 years I may not have a lot of relationship experience, but I know what I'm looking for. And believe you me, in 2010, I'll be looking for it. I won't be hiding anymore. My eyes will be open, my heart will be guarded, but strong and open. And I will be ready when it comes, whenever it comes. I'm ready. In 2010, I'm not changing or needing to learn who I am. I don't need to discover those things, I've been doing that, and will keep doing that. Because that's what we do. We grow. My New Year's Resolution is to be open, to be honorable, to be respectful, to be kind, compassionate, caring, loving, soulful, to be kind, to love hard, to laugh harder, and to be happy. Because finally, after years of searching, I've chosen that for myself.
The quote I put up at the top is a powerful one. It's so truthful. We have many different families at many different times. We have people we count on, trust, love, journey with. People who change us in one way or another. I wrote about relationships up top, just because it was on my mind. But really, in 2010, it's about family. Building a bridge to people. Creating bonds, learning new things, savoring the ties that bind individuals in this thing called life together. So, for those of you who have journeyed with me over the last year, thank you. I love all of you. I'm thankful you are in my life. Even if we've never met, if you've inspired me, changed me with your words, with a smile, with a laugh in the distance on a bad day, taken the time to listen to what I've had to say, made my day a little brighter in any way, thank you. Thank you for making this year, although trying at times, pretty wonderful. Thank you for the journey. For the imprint you've made in my life. Even if for only a moment, you all have been a part of me, a part of a network of family to me. For that I am ever grateful.
Thank you.
And to end the posts of 2009, here is a cute quote, one I hope to, piece by piece, begin to discover more of in 2010. I wish the same for all of you as well.
“I may still not know what I fully want to be when I grow up, but I do know that someday I want to live in a house filled with my books and travel souvenirs. And the walls that aren’t covered in bookshelves will be covered with photos of my family and friends. When I leave the house I will be going to a job I love, and I’ll return to a person I love with all my heart, and who loves me the same. So, that’s the dream I’m working on.”
| — | Amber Morely |
