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"Today might just be the weirdest day of my life. In the sense that, for the last sixteen years I've always had the same thing to wake up to in the morning. Get up, go to class, take a test, do the homework, pay attention, study, repeat. And now that's all about to change.
Guys, today was my last day of college.
I'm not really sure how I feel about this. Part of me is elated, obviously, like, hells yes! no more college! But the other part of me is freaking out. Freaking out is the wrong term, I'm actually quite complacent, considering, but just, on edge a bit about the future. Not even because I'm in the big people world now (well, come Saturday I will be anyway), but I think it's more, the lack of consistency. My life is about to get really complicated really fast, and I'm not sure what to make of that.
Don't get me wrong, I'm very proud of myself. I've been working towards this for the majority, okay, basically my whole life, and here it is. All the pain and hard work and stress and frustration is culminating into this and I'm still a little too in shock for it to soak completely in yet. Ridiculous.
So, today I've decided I'm taking the day just for reflection. To not do anything, not study, not pack (which, I have a TON of to do), not a thing but just be. It feels like time has stopped, and I've decided that, for just one moment, I'm going to stop with it, a gift to myself, I suppose. Give myself some time to prepare for what comes next. And without further adieu, the contemplations and reflections of the day...
I think most of this stems from the fact that my Grandma won't be there to see me walk, to accept my diploma. Her one dream for me was to be a college graduate. When she was sick and I wanted to leave school two months early my junior year to take care of and be with her? She said absolutely not, and made me stay in school until the summer. That was literally one of the hardest things I've ever had to do (along with letting her go/watching her die/take care of her while she died/living without her, etc.). I've also come to find out that she made my Grandpa promise her that I would be the first one to graduate college, no matter what. When he told me that, I'm fairly certain I cried for a solid week. It will be very, very hard not being able to look up into the stands and try to find her like I did in high school. Not to see the pride in her eyes, or receive one of her amazing hugs. I know she'll "be there" and all that spiritual crap, but, I don't even care, it's not the same. She was the only person who always stood by me, no matter what, was proud of me, no matter what I did, loved me, no matter what happened, and I'm feeling that void now more than ever.
I called my mom on Friday to say, guess what, today was my last day of college. Was she excited? No. "Oh that's cool" she said. In that moment I felt the void because it wasn't my Grandma I was able to call and get excited with, like it normally would have been. To share how good it all feels, and today, more than anything, I miss her. But I'm not really "sad" about her not being here. It sucks, hardcore suckage, certainly, but, I just miss her. I'm not feeling the things that I normally would have in the past, I'm not in pain because of it, I don't want to cry, I'm not angry, I just look at the situation and feel, longing and desire that things could had been different and she could be here. It's a weird feeling for sure. Maybe I am really growing up from it, learning how to move on, maybe the acceptance part of this grief shit."
That's right, I can hardly believe it. I'm.Graduating.College."
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So yeah, that was my reflections from Friday. Things went down and I wasn't exactly able to enjoy my Friday like I had hoped, didn't get to sleep, didn't get to just "be", but I've taken the entire weekend to do just that. It's been absolutely wonderful. No phone calls, no attention needed from anybody, nothing but me, good music, a good book, snuggling, and peace. It's been a heavenly weekend. It's rained every day of it, hard, loud, pouring down rain. I've fallen asleep to that both nights, listened to the droplets beat on my windowsill, felt the cool mist that they created inside my room, heard them fall into the waiting puddles on the ground. And the thunder, oh man the thunder. It's one of my favorite things in the world. A spring storm. Nothing beats it. Nothing. I can honestly say, these last two days, have been some of the best in my life. There is a serenity to this kind of finality, I suppose. Sure I'm going to grad school, sure I'll always be in an education type career track, but this feels like the end of a journey. I can see the finish line, I can hear the crowd cheering, I'm rounding that last one-hundred meters, I'm sore, I'm exhausted, and I have to will my body to finish, beg with it, plead with it, fight with it. I have eight finals, and six of them? On Wednesday. But that finish line? The feeling of crossing it? Sprinting that last few feet? Perfection. I remember what that felt like. It was one of my favorite parts about swimming. That no matter how tired you were, how much pain you were in, how much your lungs ached to be able to breathe normally again, seeing that last wall come closer and closer? Amazing. This is my Olympic race, the one I've been waiting for my entire life, and I'm on track to do something amazing for myself. I'm close to beating my fastest time, I'm close to making history for myself, I'm close, oh so close.
My cheering section has dwindled somewhat, I suppose, people who said they wanted to be there, decided it wasn't worth it or whatever. Decided I wasn't worth it. And yeah, that hurts, a lot. I don't share myself with many, and this is a big part of myself, this achievement. But you know what? I have decided I don't need a cheering section. Why? Because this isn't for them. This is for me. This is my goal, the one thing I wanted for myself, this is for me. And this is also for her. The people who didn't want to be here can have the graduation party. This day? This walk? This moment? Hearing my name? This is for me. This is the one last thing I can give my Grandma.
Anyway.
I stayed up very last night listening to Norah Jones on Youtube and reminiscing about how much my Grandma and I loved her. I haven't really listened to her since she died. There was just something about hearing her songs, while lovely as always, they had some jade to them and I always clicked "next" when they came on. Last night? I couldn't get enough. I watched for hours, smiling, feeling warm inside for the first time in years. It was ironic that it took me back to my last day of high school, when my Grandma came and picked me up from school and we rode home with the biggest grins on our faces, Norah Jones blasting through the speakers. She told me over and over again on that ride home how proud she was of me. And instead of wallowing in the fact that she won't be there to say those words to me, I'm going to blast Norah Jones on the ride to the stadium and the morning before while I'm getting ready, and I'm going to hear her words, and I'm going to smile. Because while she may be gone and unable to create new memories with me, I have our past, and I can make that past my present for just one more moment, I can share this one last time with her.
So yeah, next weekend is a pretty big deal to me, obviously. I still have so much to get done before then. I have to pack, I did laundry Friday, I have to study, I have to get everything in order, so it should be pretty ridiculous, but slowly, painfully, this journey is coming to an end. And to be perfectly honest? I can't wait.
Song of the Moment: "In Your Eyes" - Sara Bareilles
Lyrics of the Moment:
"I never could have seen
Never could have seen this coming
The most amazing things
They arrive within a moment
I never could have seen
Never could have seen this coming on
You are here with me, I'm alive all of a sudden
Anyone can see, anyone can see it's beautiful"
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