The Final Meter Sprint...

The majority of my random thoughts and ideas and stuff have been transferred over to my LJ account. Mostly because it's private, and some of the things I've wanted to say lately, aren't necessarily things I want all eyes to read. But on Friday, here is a snippet of what I wrote, and I deemed an update here as well, fitting in the "big life moments" style that I have going here, that I continue this a bit and talk about what's to come.

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"Today might just be the weirdest day of my life. In the sense that, for the last sixteen years I've always had the same thing to wake up to in the morning. Get up, go to class, take a test, do the homework, pay attention, study, repeat. And now that's all about to change.

Guys, today was my last day of college.

I'm not really sure how I feel about this. Part of me is elated, obviously, like, hells yes! no more college! But the other part of me is freaking out. Freaking out is the wrong term, I'm actually quite complacent, considering, but just, on edge a bit about the future. Not even because I'm in the big people world now (well, come Saturday I will be anyway), but I think it's more, the lack of consistency. My life is about to get really complicated really fast, and I'm not sure what to make of that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very proud of myself. I've been working towards this for the majority, okay, basically my whole life, and here it is. All the pain and hard work and stress and frustration is culminating into this and I'm still a little too in shock for it to soak completely in yet. Ridiculous.

So, today I've decided I'm taking the day just for reflection. To not do anything, not study, not pack (which, I have a TON of to do), not a thing but just be. It feels like time has stopped, and I've decided that, for just one moment, I'm going to stop with it, a gift to myself, I suppose. Give myself some time to prepare for what comes next. And without further adieu, the contemplations and reflections of the day...

I think most of this stems from the fact that my Grandma won't be there to see me walk, to accept my diploma. Her one dream for me was to be a college graduate. When she was sick and I wanted to leave school two months early my junior year to take care of and be with her? She said absolutely not, and made me stay in school until the summer. That was literally one of the hardest things I've ever had to do (along with letting her go/watching her die/take care of her while she died/living without her, etc.). I've also come to find out that she made my Grandpa promise her that I would be the first one to graduate college, no matter what. When he told me that, I'm fairly certain I cried for a solid week. It will be very, very hard not being able to look up into the stands and try to find her like I did in high school. Not to see the pride in her eyes, or receive one of her amazing hugs. I know she'll "be there" and all that spiritual crap, but, I don't even care, it's not the same. She was the only person who always stood by me, no matter what, was proud of me, no matter what I did, loved me, no matter what happened, and I'm feeling that void now more than ever.

I called my mom on Friday to say, guess what, today was my last day of college. Was she excited? No. "Oh that's cool" she said. In that moment I felt the void because it wasn't my Grandma I was able to call and get excited with, like it normally would have been. To share how good it all feels, and today, more than anything, I miss her. But I'm not really "sad" about her not being here. It sucks, hardcore suckage, certainly, but, I just miss her. I'm not feeling the things that I normally would have in the past, I'm not in pain because of it, I don't want to cry, I'm not angry, I just look at the situation and feel, longing and desire that things could had been different and she could be here. It's a weird feeling for sure. Maybe I am really growing up from it, learning how to move on, maybe the acceptance part of this grief shit."

That's right, I can hardly believe it. I'm.Graduating.College."

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So yeah, that was my reflections from Friday. Things went down and I wasn't exactly able to enjoy my Friday like I had hoped, didn't get to sleep, didn't get to just "be", but I've taken the entire weekend to do just that. It's been absolutely wonderful. No phone calls, no attention needed from anybody, nothing but me, good music, a good book, snuggling, and peace. It's been a heavenly weekend. It's rained every day of it, hard, loud, pouring down rain. I've fallen asleep to that both nights, listened to the droplets beat on my windowsill, felt the cool mist that they created inside my room, heard them fall into the waiting puddles on the ground. And the thunder, oh man the thunder. It's one of my favorite things in the world. A spring storm. Nothing beats it. Nothing. I can honestly say, these last two days, have been some of the best in my life. There is a serenity to this kind of finality, I suppose. Sure I'm going to grad school, sure I'll always be in an education type career track, but this feels like the end of a journey. I can see the finish line, I can hear the crowd cheering, I'm rounding that last one-hundred meters, I'm sore, I'm exhausted, and I have to will my body to finish, beg with it, plead with it, fight with it. I have eight finals, and six of them? On Wednesday. But that finish line? The feeling of crossing it? Sprinting that last few feet? Perfection. I remember what that felt like. It was one of my favorite parts about swimming. That no matter how tired you were, how much pain you were in, how much your lungs ached to be able to breathe normally again, seeing that last wall come closer and closer? Amazing. This is my Olympic race, the one I've been waiting for my entire life, and I'm on track to do something amazing for myself. I'm close to beating my fastest time, I'm close to making history for myself, I'm close, oh so close.

My cheering section has dwindled somewhat, I suppose, people who said they wanted to be there, decided it wasn't worth it or whatever. Decided I wasn't worth it. And yeah, that hurts, a lot. I don't share myself with many, and this is a big part of myself, this achievement. But you know what? I have decided I don't need a cheering section. Why? Because this isn't for them. This is for me. This is my goal, the one thing I wanted for myself, this is for me. And this is also for her. The people who didn't want to be here can have the graduation party. This day? This walk? This moment? Hearing my name? This is for me. This is the one last thing I can give my Grandma.

Anyway.

I stayed up very last night listening to Norah Jones on Youtube and reminiscing about how much my Grandma and I loved her. I haven't really listened to her since she died. There was just something about hearing her songs, while lovely as always, they had some jade to them and I always clicked "next" when they came on. Last night? I couldn't get enough. I watched for hours, smiling, feeling warm inside for the first time in years. It was ironic that it took me back to my last day of high school, when my Grandma came and picked me up from school and we rode home with the biggest grins on our faces, Norah Jones blasting through the speakers. She told me over and over again on that ride home how proud she was of me. And instead of wallowing in the fact that she won't be there to say those words to me, I'm going to blast Norah Jones on the ride to the stadium and the morning before while I'm getting ready, and I'm going to hear her words, and I'm going to smile. Because while she may be gone and unable to create new memories with me, I have our past, and I can make that past my present for just one more moment, I can share this one last time with her.

So yeah, next weekend is a pretty big deal to me, obviously. I still have so much to get done before then. I have to pack, I did laundry Friday, I have to study, I have to get everything in order, so it should be pretty ridiculous, but slowly, painfully, this journey is coming to an end. And to be perfectly honest? I can't wait.

Song of the Moment: "In Your Eyes" - Sara Bareilles

Lyrics of the Moment:

"I never could have seen

Never could have seen this coming

The most amazing things

They arrive within a moment

I never could have seen

Never could have seen this coming on

You are here with me, I'm alive all of a sudden

Anyone can see, anyone can see it's beautiful"

The Cure

This song is so incredibly beautiful. I want it on here.

The End of a Decade...

I want to start this entry out with a quote that I find pretty amazing.

"What is family? They were the people who claimed you. In good, in bad, in parts or in whole, they were the ones who showed up, who stayed in there, regardless. It wasn’t just about blood relations or shared chromosomes, but something wider, bigger. We had many families over time. Our family of origin, the family we created, and the groups you moved through while all of this was happening: friends, lovers, sometimes even strangers. None of them perfect, and we couldn’t expect them to be. You can’t make any one person your world. The trick was to take what each could give you and build your world from it."
– Sarah Dessen

So, this whole thing about relationships. I was thinking about it today. My whole life, I never wanted one. Ever. I didn't want love, I didn't think boys were worth my time, I didn't think relationships were worth wasting energy on. I was the girl who was ok with being alone, ok with choosing not to date, ok just being. Sure I was made fun of for it, called a freak, anti-social, a loner, but I didn't really care. I realized early on that I didn't need other people to define my existence. Didn't need other people to share part of me with. And I was actually pretty happy.

Then she came along.

Yeah, I said she. Get over it.

:Side note:
I'm happy with who I am, and if you aren't, than just so you know, respectfully, you're missing out in knowing me.
:Resume:

She bulldozed the life out of me. She shook me up. She changed how I felt about love. In more ways than the good one. By bulldoze, I mean bulldoze. She broke me. Tore me apart. Ripped through my heart and my soul. Mostly because I gave it all willingly to her, unapologetically. I gave her my all. She made me into a cliche. And it pissed me off. I'm anything but a cliche. Nothing about me is norm. But I let her have me, and she decided to crush me. Whatever.

So, I moved on. Actually, I moved on really quickly. It took a dying Grandma and another girl, long story, don't ask, but I did. Part of what kept me with her, putting up with the abuse was the fact that I didn't have an out. I didn't know how to get out of it because I was so wrapped and tangled into it. Not a good place to be. Constantly fighting with your own head about whether or not it's love, "how can love be painful?" but you know..."love has to be enough"..."she really loves me, she just doesn't know how to show it". But love isn't enough. Infatuation isn't enough. But the thing about love is, it consumes you. You need it like a drug. But when it's a destructive drug, one that causes you pain, that love isn't enough.

"The crazy thing about love is, once you have it, once you can feel it take up every fiber of your being, love isn’t the scary thing anymore, losing it is."

Nothing is really ever enough, one must strive to change, strive to become better for the other person, better for oneself. That's what I lacked in that relationship, I wasn't growing or changing for the better. I became someone I wasn't, someone I didn't know. I pretended to like things so that we would have things to share. I wavered on what I thought was right and wrong to be with her because I loved her. I was not the person I was supposed to become. I was at an age when I should have been starting the path to discover those things, but instead, I moved back. Much farther back than I ever knew was possible.

I truly believe that when you find the person you're supposed to be with (not that soul mate crap) it's more like you'll find the person that you're meant to grow with. The person who is meant to help you grow into something and someone better. Life is a constant state of change and learning. Of growth. That's what that special person is meant to help you with, that journey. They're meant to be your co-pilot. Helping you by taking over the controls when you need a little break. Maybe even pressing the auto-pilot button for you when you just can't do it, so that they can just be there for you, hold you, comfort you. Someone who knows you well enough to know when to help and how. Someone who just knows you, without words or actions, because they've taken the time to learn. People who believe in soul mates are people who don't want to do the work. They want a quick fix, poof! a soul mate you is made for you so there's no work involved. No, the person that I'm speaking of, you pick and in return they pick you back. We know when people are good for us, when we just fit with someone. Mostly because both parties try. They work. The put in the effort. That's the person. That will be my person.

Anyway, here I am, 22 years old, only having ever been in serious relationships. Two to be exact. Well, one serious, one not going anywhere but still kinda serious serious. I've never even been on a date. I'm damaged goods. Like, seriously. I've had my heart crushed, shattered, bruised, and put back together at least 150 times. No joke, that's how many times GF #1 broke my heart. And I let her, so whatever, but still, like I said, very damaged.

So here I am, desperately holding onto myself. Trying to rebuild, reassess, reexamine who I am. Because I want someone to come and for me to not be so messed up. I want to be on a path of growth, of self-awareness when I meet the right one. And that is what 2009 has been for me. A journey. A life-altering journey, just as 2008 was. But through these last 2 years of journey I've learned so much about myself. I've literally learned how to be me. I've taken the steps necessary to get myself into a path of growth. A path where I'm ready to grow, to learn, to change. To keep growing, and learning, and changing. I'm on a path of setting up my own life, and it's a path where I'm happy, a path that I like.

2010 will be a big year. I'm graduating college. But surprisingly, that isn't the single most life changing event for me. I've already had those, two of them to be exact. Two very hard life altering things. So as far as I'm concerned, 2010 can only be an improvement. And I'm ok with that. I'm going to make the best out of 2010. But most of all, I'm going to be more open. I want to find someone again. I've changed from that kid who doesn't need people to an adult who wants to try to need people. To an adult who wants someone to share the good in me with. Because for once in my life, I think I deserve that. I'm at a point where I think I've earned it. I think one has to earn it. Work for it. And it isn't just through relationship experience.

For all intensive purposes, I'm a "newborn" (stole the word - eat it) in the relationship/lesbian thing. I don't have much experience, but I'm ok with that. I've been hiding the last four years. Because of my life status. If I found someone in KY, I'd move back to OH after graduation. If I found someone in OH, I'm probably moving to DC or MD. I've been hiding from relationships. Waiting for my life to begin its path into complete stability. It was just too complicated and I decided to hide out, put my heart on hold, etc. Instead, I've focused on preparing myself instead. I'm self-aware. I'm self-knowledgable. I have connected with people and with things around me to know what I want. I don't want frivolous flings and dates under my belt, I want the connection. I want the soul binding, heart wrenching, awe inspiring relationship. I know what I want, and I don't need experience in dating to understand that. While my peers have spent their time sleeping around and getting around, I've been learning about important life experiences. About the value of life. About the value of family and of friends. Of honor, of commitment, of respect, of inner strength, of dignity, of faith, of kindness, of hopefulness, of happiness. I've learned the value and the power of love. Real true love. The kind of love that isn't given. The kind that must be worked for. I've known that. I know that. I've learned how to work into that, I've learned.

Yes, in my 22 years I may not have a lot of relationship experience, but I know what I'm looking for. And believe you me, in 2010, I'll be looking for it. I won't be hiding anymore. My eyes will be open, my heart will be guarded, but strong and open. And I will be ready when it comes, whenever it comes. I'm ready. In 2010, I'm not changing or needing to learn who I am. I don't need to discover those things, I've been doing that, and will keep doing that. Because that's what we do. We grow. My New Year's Resolution is to be open, to be honorable, to be respectful, to be kind, compassionate, caring, loving, soulful, to be kind, to love hard, to laugh harder, and to be happy. Because finally, after years of searching, I've chosen that for myself.

The quote I put up at the top is a powerful one. It's so truthful. We have many different families at many different times. We have people we count on, trust, love, journey with. People who change us in one way or another. I wrote about relationships up top, just because it was on my mind. But really, in 2010, it's about family. Building a bridge to people. Creating bonds, learning new things, savoring the ties that bind individuals in this thing called life together. So, for those of you who have journeyed with me over the last year, thank you. I love all of you. I'm thankful you are in my life. Even if we've never met, if you've inspired me, changed me with your words, with a smile, with a laugh in the distance on a bad day, taken the time to listen to what I've had to say, made my day a little brighter in any way, thank you. Thank you for making this year, although trying at times, pretty wonderful. Thank you for the journey. For the imprint you've made in my life. Even if for only a moment, you all have been a part of me, a part of a network of family to me. For that I am ever grateful.

Thank you.

And to end the posts of 2009, here is a cute quote, one I hope to, piece by piece, begin to discover more of in 2010. I wish the same for all of you as well.

“I may still not know what I fully want to be when I grow up, but I do know that someday I want to live in a house filled with my books and travel souvenirs. And the walls that aren’t covered in bookshelves will be covered with photos of my family and friends. When I leave the house I will be going to a job I love, and I’ll return to a person I love with all my heart, and who loves me the same. So, that’s the dream I’m working on.”

—	Amber Morely

What Is Family?

“What is family? They were the people who claimed you. In good, in bad, in parts or in whole, they were the ones who showed up, who stayed in there, regardless. It wasn’t just about blood relations or shared chromosomes, but something wider, bigger. We had many families over time. Our family of origin, the family we created, and the groups you moved through while all of this was happening: friends, lovers, sometimes even strangers. None of them perfect, and we couldn’t expect them to be. You can’t make any one person your world. The trick was to take what each could give you and build your world from it.”

~	Sarah Dessen

The Couch...

This might just be the weirdest entry ever. You are forewarned.

I've been sleeping on the couch in our living room. I'm not sure what led to this, or why I've remained so since arriving home four nights ago, but I have. I can't say I understand it much either. I'm a bed person. A big, comfy, warm, memory foam mattress, bed person. However, there is something about my room at home that just doesn't feel quite as such. It doesn't feel like home, it doesn't feel like a space that is mine. It feels empty. I cannot connect to it. My old room, which my brother now occupies, that room was home. I can sometimes hardly bring myself to walk through the door to "my" room. I hate the feeling I get when I walk inside. Or the lack of feeling. The room feels like a void, an empty, cold, vacuum. I need warmth. I need a connection.

So, I've taken up residence on the couch. Next to the bright Christmas tree, with the front door 20 feet from me, with the windows without the blinds, in the house that makes noises in the middle of the night. That's where I am. Now, for those of you who don't know me, I'm terrified of robbers. Or rather, any kind of invader into my space. It scares me, always has. I sleep with the door closed tight to keep out the bad guys, a fan to block out any noises, in the pitch black so I can't see things even if they were there. That's who I am. All of the sudden though, here I am, in this big living room, and I feel oddly, at home. I feel safe. I'm not sure why, or how, but being here, makes me feel right. Maybe it's this couch. My Grandma slept on it every single night since they bought it. Every single one. Even her last one. Maybe that's why it makes me feel safe, like a big warm hug from her, holding me tight like she used to when I was sick or scared.

But I'm not sick or scared. I'm content. I'm happy. I'm at peace with myself. I was thinking about that today, and I even almost mentioned it to my mom. But she would make fun of me, so I didn't. But, I'm happy. And I really, really love my life. That's weird for me. Recently, it pops into my head all the time, "Wow, I freaking love my life". All the time. Ever since this summer, its been happening. And I like it. So maybe, just maybe, this is me stepping forward. No longer needing that protection from things unknown or unseen. Maybe this is me growing up, moving on. And maybe, this warm, comfy, soft, Grandma loved couch is a little nudge from her in the right direction. She may not be here, but I know she sees it. The change. Sometimes I feel like I can feel her smiling. When I'm proud of myself, when I feel joy, when I admit to myself that I love my life now more than ever, I think I can feel her inside smiling right along with me. Maybe this is what it feels like, peace, and love. If so, I want it. And I want it every single day for the rest of my life. And as a promise to myself, that's what I'm going to strive for.

Because maybe, just maybe, that's what I'm meant to do.

25 Reasons Why I Love My Life...

So, I love my life. Here are a few reasons why.

1. I had an amazing hair day today, and let's face it, great hair days just make you super happy. Like, SUPER.

2. For the last two nights I've been lying under the Christmas tree, drawing, listening to music, and just being at peace.

3. My whole entire family will be together for Christmas for the first time in less than 1 day.

4. It snowed last night and all of today.

5. My Grandpa's girlfriend wants me to like her, ergo, she deems me worthy of needing that.

6. UD basketball won tonight, and it was a great game. And I got to go.

7. I looked kinda hot today, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

8. I made this cinnamon coffee cake type thing last night, homemade, and it is amazing.

9. I woke up this morning to puppy kisses.

10. I can't get the idea of jamming someone against a wall and devouring them out of my head, and that's kinda hot. Lol.

10.5 That also means I'm ready to move on...

11. There are Christmas presents under the tree.

12. The silence in this house after everyone has gone to bed is blissful.

13. I made the Dean's List.

14. I got an A on a paper that was the absolute worst one I've ever written. Ergo, I'm badass.

15. I'm watching the Nutcracker performed by the Royal Ballet.

16. My mom, dad, and I laughed so hard together tonight that we cried.

17. I made my famous salad ala Elise is Awesome, (I came up with the name, you like?) and it was, well, awesome.

18. I got to text my BFF tonight, and she liked one of my drawings.

19. I folded towels today, yes, I enjoy folding laundry, shut up.

20. I flirted with a guy today, just for the fun of it.

21. I played with my puppy in the snow.

22. My new phone screen savor is really, uh, fun...

23. My Grandpa took me to go see some Christmas lights on the way home that I wanted to see, when my mom said no.

24. I got to sleep in.

25. I smiled, basically, the whole day.

Because I'm Badass & Awesome...

This is why I love my best friend:

Me: You may be great at sex advice, and all your friends may come to you for that, but I'd rather save your advice for more important life altering things. Sex is just sex. I wouldn't take advantage of our relationship for frivolous stuff. I need you more than that. Because I don't need people for anything, ever. But you, as crazy as I'm sounding, you I need for more. I'm complicated, mindful, and deep. Get used to it. ;)

She: "You're sweet."

Me: Shut up. I am not. I'm badass and awesome.

She: "Soft and sweet."

Me: No! You lie. Not soft or sweet. I ooze awesomeness.

She: "Awesomeness is soft and sweet with an edge."

Me: Dude. That's my new motto. Twitter it up."

She: "I'm not on Twitter yet. I give you permission to tweet it...then I will retweet you."

Me: God, we're freaks.

She: "Lol."

Loss

I've lost a lot in the last two years. More than anyone else should have to. Relationships that I clung to with desperation. People I depended on more than life itself. People I thought were friends, people whom I was only beginning to get to know. Loss has consumed every second of my life for two years. It's disgusting, it's painful, and it's unfair.

However, when I step back from that, in a moment of self-thought, when the pain subsides for just a brief moment, I realize how damn lucky I am.

Why, you may ask?

Because I had them to lose. I had the moments, the glances, the embraces, the emotions, the shared tears, the shared stories, the shared life. I had those things in my possession. I had them on my heart. And I still do. I have every single one of them tucked closely in a compartment in my heart I've recently designated to loss.

And it's okay. I know that no matter what or who has left my life, I can still hold tight to it, hold tight to the memories, and it's ok to think about it. It's ok to feel sad about the loss. But it's also okay to embrace the joy that every single one of those people brought to my life, even if for only a moment.

So, yes, I've lost a lot of people. Some more recent than others, some in the past, but I had them to lose. Loss is only as painful as you let it become, I suppose. It's only as painful as you choose to make it. When the loss is new, it hurts, it hurts like hell, but as I lay here writing this, I'm comforted by those memories and I'm smiling. A big, goofy, warm, mouth closed smile. The kind you can feel inside your heart.

And I do this because I've loved. I've lived. I've given myself and gotten some wonderful things in return. And now, it's time to move on. It's time to find new people to share myself with, because albeit slowly, I want that. I want new memories. I need that.

I'm hard to get to know, I'll admit that. I have walls. Deep, soul-binding walls that I cling to in desperation. Pain comes naturally to me, I've lived with it my whole life. But trust and faith, those things do not. I'm good at being the best friend. I'm good at being the shoulder, the rock, the safety net when you fall. But one thing I'm not good at, is letting people in. I give you enough to let you know it's okay to be here with me, but I never give fully. Ever. Not anymore. I'm trying though, trying to learn how to trust again. As I make progress, I'm pulled back, but I still try every single day. If you're patient, if you tell me and make me believe you whole-heartedly that you will never leave, I'll believe you. I'll trust you, and the world will be ours. That's a promise.

Are you up for the challenge?

A Tiny Wish

I'm nothing compared to what I want to be.

I'm imperfect.

My hair doesn't always fall exactly into place.

My eyeliner tends to be a smudge off.

I don't think I'm ugly, far from it,

but I'm nothing close to beautiful enough.

I'm not deeply depressed,

I never have been,

but sometimes I just can't find the bright side.

Sometimes I grow tired of the days where the sun is bright,

expecting me to shine like it.

I have expectations for myself,

ones so high and elaborate,

I often find myself lost in them,

ones that I cannot live up to.

I just want to take a walk in the rain,

blast music in my ears,

sing loudly into empty space

and forget.

Start out fresh.

Become something different

Something amazing.

Something better.

Let Them Know Love...

My mom and I went to see a movie tonight before I go back to school tomorrow. We saw "Blind Spot" and it was cute. But that's not what I'm in the mood to write about. On the way home, we decided to listen to Christmas music. Granted, it was 50 degrees out and pouring down rain, a little difficult to get into that spirit, but we decided to anyway.

Nothing was on the radio, the XM Christmas station really sucked, and Delilah depresses me. Side note, hello, love is not depressing. Stop making it all about sadness and loss and all that. Especially at night playing Christmas music. Ok, back on topic. I found a CD in the visor case that I had burned many many years ago, Celine Dion's "These Are the Special Times". Wonderful, wonderful CD.

But what I want to talk about is the story behind why that CD was there. When I was in middle school and riding the bus to school everyday, I was having a lot of problems with my hip because of it. So, my Grandma decided that she would pick me up from school everyday so I didn't have to ride it. From then on, all the way through high school, my Grandma picked me up from school. It's one of the reasons that I didn't want to get my license (besides the whole, I could easily become paralyzed at any given time, thing). I loved spending that time with her. Just she and I. Every single day, even if it was only for a half hour. That time was ours.

She would bring me an apple and some orange juice, and I would supply the music. I've always been extremely good at finding new and exciting stuff. Norah Jones was our absolute favorite, and in fact, one of the last things she said to me, the last real conversation we had the last night she was alive, she spouted off lyrics to her favorite Norah Jones song and told me that she was glad we shared so many special songs together. For her viewing, I made a playlist, and a lot of the songs on that it were ones that she and I shared during those times. But mostly, we indulged in year-round Christmas tunes and didn't care what anybody else thought about it. We'd sing loud and proud, bumping along listening to Trans-Siberian Orchestra, Amy Grant, Kenny G, or any other wonderful holiday music we could get our hands on. Had I not had that time every day after school, I would have been miserable. She made life those four years.

Well, all the CDs that I made her are still up in the visor of her car, which is now my mother's. I looked up and grabbed the Celine Dion CD and told my mom we should listen to it. She wondered how it got there and when I told her the story, she had no idea about our little tradition. The first song that came on was this: http://blip.fm/profile/LLLEB08/blip/28661620/Celine_Dion-Dont_Save_It_All_For_Christmas_Day

(you can click on the link, press play at the top, and listen). And I'm not ashamed to admit, it made me cry. The lyrics are pretty powerful. And they basically explain exactly how my Grandma lived every single day of her life. Here is a link to the lyrics, I suggest you go through them, truly an inspiring message. http://tinyurl.com/y9g7hph

You know, I firmly believe we all have a soul mate. Someone who we are destined to have some unreal connection with. Not necessarily someone made just for us to spend the rest of our lives with (marriage, the whole lot), but someone who is destined to find us, share a piece of themselves with us, and whom we are destined to love. I know all of you have someone who made such an impact on your life you will never forget them. We all do. For me, that person was my Grandmother. And for her to be that person for me, recognize it, embrace it, was better than anything anybody could ever do for me ever again. Sure she was my Grandma, sure she had to love me because we're family, but that's not what our relationship was about. It was so much more.

She was my best friend. She understood me. Helped me grow. Taught me things about life, about people, about love, things that molded me into the person I am today. Not because she had to, most people's Grandma's don't really take it upon themselves to do all she did for me. She saw potential, she saw herself in my eyes, and she took it upon herself to give me the tools to become more. She raised me to go above and beyond. To love harder, care more, help more, and find the potential and the good in all people and show it to them. She did all that, for me.

When that song came up, not only did I miss the time she and I spent together in that car listening to that Christmas music, but I also missed her. I missed glancing over and smiling because I could see her singing along out of the corner of my eye. A woman who, for all intensive purposes, hated singing. She always sang with me and we both pretended like the other wasn't singing. I missed that. I miss the life I lived when she was here. I missed all the little details about the time we shared together, and I cried.

You know, it's been a little over 18 months since she died. About 556 days, to be exact. Every single one of those days has been a struggle. But of those 556 days, I've found 556 reasons to be thankful for the 7,561 days that I got to spend with her. Every time I think of a tiny detail about her, my heart swells. Not out of pain, but out of pride and thankfulness. Sure, it hurts like hell to be without her. It hurts every second. But it would have hurt even worse to never have had her. And until the day I die, I will give thanks for that time.

People always say that another person will never fill a void in your heart. That searching for someone to love you will never fill it, and you will search for more things to ease that void. In fact, we had a sermon about that on Thanksgiving Eve. But you know, when she was alive, I was whole. I never felt a void, I never felt like something was missing. Until she died. And then the void was there. But you know, I'm not searching to fill it. Because that void reminds me how much I lost. In a good way, not a bad. By remembering how much I lost, I am remembering how much I had. Not a day goes by I don't smile remembering her. Not a day goes by I wish I could crawl up next to her on the couch with my head on her lap and just be. Not one single day goes by I don't long for one of her hugs. And not one second goes by that I don't miss her.

I know a lot of my posts pertain to her death, or my sadness because of her death. But let me tell you something, those things are relevant to who I am. You may or may not care about that stuff in my life, you may think it's dramatic, boring, etc. But her life shaped who I became and who I am becoming every day. For that, I'm thankful. Sure, I talk about her death a lot. But not because I'm lingering in the past. But more because I'm holding onto that for the future. Thinking about her life is different than thinking about her death. Her death reminds me that her legacy lives on in me. I only hope that I am worthy of that legacy and that I am doing her proud. So yes, my Grandma died, and yes I'm going to talk about it, but my Grandma also lives, she lives on in me.

Because I'm A Dork.

Ok so, every once in a while, I get sucked into a TV show and I get obsessed. Maybe once every few months or so, most especially when I need to escape my own brain. I'll pick a random show and watch every episode of every season. And yes, I realize I have no life. But seriously, I dare anyone to live the last 2 years of my life and not find a vice. So, you can suck it. Anyway, this is why I love this show. The writing in season five and six is absolutely amazing. I can't get enough of it! It's thought provoking, funny, cute, sexy, smart. I was sorta disappointed and almost gave up on it because it started to tank. But low and behold...and because I'm such a nerd, here are some of my favorite quotes.

"Most people think that I was named for the state, but it's not true, I was named for a battle ship. The U.S.S. Arizona. My grandfather was serving on the Arizona when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor, and he saved nineteen men before he drowned. Pretty much everything my father did his whole life was about honoring that sacrifice. I was raised to be a good man in a storm. Raised to love my country. Love my family. Protect the things I love. When my father, Colonel Daniel Robinson of the United States Marine Corps, heard that I was a lesbian he said he only had one question. I was prepared for "How fast can you get the hell out of my house?" But instead, it was "Are you still who I raised you to be?" My father believes in country the way that you believe in God. And my father is not a man who bends, but he bent for me because I am his daughter. I'm a good man in a storm... I love your daughter. And I protect the things I love. Not that I need too, she doesn't need it. She's strong, and caring, and honorable. And she's who you raised her to be."

- Dr. Arizona Robbins

Season 6; Episode 5

"Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, why it has to hurt so bad, the thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way, it wont hurt this much. Grief comes at its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief, is that you can't control it. The best we can do is let ourselves feel it when it comes, and let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away. There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance."

- Entire cast

Season 6; Episode 1 & 2

"When something begins, you generally have no idea how it's going to end. The house you're going to sell becomes your home, the roommates you were forced to take in become your family and the one night stand you were determined to forget becomes the love of your life.. We spend our whole lives worrying about the future, planning for the future, trying to predict the future, as if figuring it out will cushion the blow. But the future is always changing. The future is the home of our deepest fears and wildest hopes. But one thing is certain when it finally reveals itself. The future is never the way we imagined it."

- Dr. Merideth Grey

Season 6; Episode 22

"I am mad at you. And, I'm crying because you're the boss. My boss. Which brings up issues of authority and my dad, who you kind of remind me of. Not that you're old, but you command respect. People respect you. I mean, I know I do and I know Bailey does. Which is why I'm mad. Because, it's wrong Sir. It's wrong and mean to use a robot to lure Dr. Bailey back into general surgery, because I don't have a robot. All I have are little kids, and they're not as fun as a robot. And they're not shiny, and new, and silver, and they don't have things coming out of their belly buttons. But, I will fight you, and I will win. Sir."

- Dr. Arizona Robbins

Season 5; Episode 22

"You never know the biggest day of your life is the biggest day. Not until it's happening. You don't recognize the biggest day of your life, not until you're right in the middle of it. The day you commit to something or someone. The day you get your heart broken. The day you meet your soul mate. The day you realize there's not enough time, because you wanna live forever. Those are the biggest days. The perfect days."

- Dr. Izzy Stevens

Season 5; Episode 21

"According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, when we're dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable we can't imagine it's true. We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves. Then we bargain. We beg. We plead. We offer everything we have, we offer our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have to accept that we've done everything we can. We let go. We let go and move into acceptance."

- Dr. Meredith Grey

Season 6; Episode 1

“People have scars. In all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret roadmaps of their personal histories. Diagrams of all their old wounds. Most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them don’t. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut’s long gone, the pain still lingers.”

“Did you say it? ‘I love you. I don’t ever want to live without you. You changed my life.’ Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it, but every now and then, look around; Drink it in ‘cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow.”

- Dr. Meredith Grey

Season 5; Episode 24

"Today's the day my life begins. All my life I've been just me. Just a smart mouth kid. Today I become a man. Today I become a husband. Today I become accountable to someone other than myself. Today I become accountable to you. To our future. To all the possibilities that a marriage has to offer. Together, no matter what happens, I'll be ready. For anything. For everything. To take on life, to take on love. To take on possibility and responsibility."

- Dr. Alex Karev

Season 5; Episode 21

"We begin life with few obligations. We pledge allegiance to the flag. We swear to return our library books. But as we get older we take vows, make promises, get burden by commitments, to do no harm, to tell the truth and nothing but, to love, to cherish till death do us part. So we just keep running up the tab 'til we owe everything to everybody and suddenly..."

- Dr. Meredith Grey

Season 5; Episode