Because I'm A Dork.

Ok so, every once in a while, I get sucked into a TV show and I get obsessed. Maybe once every few months or so, most especially when I need to escape my own brain. I'll pick a random show and watch every episode of every season. And yes, I realize I have no life. But seriously, I dare anyone to live the last 2 years of my life and not find a vice. So, you can suck it. Anyway, this is why I love this show. The writing in season five and six is absolutely amazing. I can't get enough of it! It's thought provoking, funny, cute, sexy, smart. I was sorta disappointed and almost gave up on it because it started to tank. But low and behold...and because I'm such a nerd, here are some of my favorite quotes.

"Most people think that I was named for the state, but it's not true, I was named for a battle ship. The U.S.S. Arizona. My grandfather was serving on the Arizona when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor, and he saved nineteen men before he drowned. Pretty much everything my father did his whole life was about honoring that sacrifice. I was raised to be a good man in a storm. Raised to love my country. Love my family. Protect the things I love. When my father, Colonel Daniel Robinson of the United States Marine Corps, heard that I was a lesbian he said he only had one question. I was prepared for "How fast can you get the hell out of my house?" But instead, it was "Are you still who I raised you to be?" My father believes in country the way that you believe in God. And my father is not a man who bends, but he bent for me because I am his daughter. I'm a good man in a storm... I love your daughter. And I protect the things I love. Not that I need too, she doesn't need it. She's strong, and caring, and honorable. And she's who you raised her to be."

- Dr. Arizona Robbins

Season 6; Episode 5

"Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, why it has to hurt so bad, the thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way, it wont hurt this much. Grief comes at its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief, is that you can't control it. The best we can do is let ourselves feel it when it comes, and let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away. There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance."

- Entire cast

Season 6; Episode 1 & 2

"When something begins, you generally have no idea how it's going to end. The house you're going to sell becomes your home, the roommates you were forced to take in become your family and the one night stand you were determined to forget becomes the love of your life.. We spend our whole lives worrying about the future, planning for the future, trying to predict the future, as if figuring it out will cushion the blow. But the future is always changing. The future is the home of our deepest fears and wildest hopes. But one thing is certain when it finally reveals itself. The future is never the way we imagined it."

- Dr. Merideth Grey

Season 6; Episode 22

"I am mad at you. And, I'm crying because you're the boss. My boss. Which brings up issues of authority and my dad, who you kind of remind me of. Not that you're old, but you command respect. People respect you. I mean, I know I do and I know Bailey does. Which is why I'm mad. Because, it's wrong Sir. It's wrong and mean to use a robot to lure Dr. Bailey back into general surgery, because I don't have a robot. All I have are little kids, and they're not as fun as a robot. And they're not shiny, and new, and silver, and they don't have things coming out of their belly buttons. But, I will fight you, and I will win. Sir."

- Dr. Arizona Robbins

Season 5; Episode 22

"You never know the biggest day of your life is the biggest day. Not until it's happening. You don't recognize the biggest day of your life, not until you're right in the middle of it. The day you commit to something or someone. The day you get your heart broken. The day you meet your soul mate. The day you realize there's not enough time, because you wanna live forever. Those are the biggest days. The perfect days."

- Dr. Izzy Stevens

Season 5; Episode 21

"According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, when we're dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable we can't imagine it's true. We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves. Then we bargain. We beg. We plead. We offer everything we have, we offer our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have to accept that we've done everything we can. We let go. We let go and move into acceptance."

- Dr. Meredith Grey

Season 6; Episode 1

“People have scars. In all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret roadmaps of their personal histories. Diagrams of all their old wounds. Most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them don’t. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut’s long gone, the pain still lingers.”

“Did you say it? ‘I love you. I don’t ever want to live without you. You changed my life.’ Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it, but every now and then, look around; Drink it in ‘cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow.”

- Dr. Meredith Grey

Season 5; Episode 24

"Today's the day my life begins. All my life I've been just me. Just a smart mouth kid. Today I become a man. Today I become a husband. Today I become accountable to someone other than myself. Today I become accountable to you. To our future. To all the possibilities that a marriage has to offer. Together, no matter what happens, I'll be ready. For anything. For everything. To take on life, to take on love. To take on possibility and responsibility."

- Dr. Alex Karev

Season 5; Episode 21

"We begin life with few obligations. We pledge allegiance to the flag. We swear to return our library books. But as we get older we take vows, make promises, get burden by commitments, to do no harm, to tell the truth and nothing but, to love, to cherish till death do us part. So we just keep running up the tab 'til we owe everything to everybody and suddenly..."

- Dr. Meredith Grey

Season 5; Episode

Thanksgiving

I've been thinking about a lot of stuff recently. I'm not sure why or what triggers it, but I reach a point every now and then where I just analyze things. Everything, anything, you name it, I think about it. I read annoying cutesy and philosophical quotes and think about love and life and living. It's just a part of who I am.

I was thinking about my life today. I spent time with and watched my family all day and night yesterday. It's hard for me, to be around my extended family. A lot has happened in the last year in a half. And I've grown closer to each and every one of them. I've seen some of them of them for the very first time in that time, and they've seen me. For who I am. And our relationship has changed for the better. My whole life, I never fit in with my family. I sat alone in the corner and watched. It's just how I grew up. But now, I'm an adult. And now, they want me in the mix of things. They want me there. My aunt persistently, for a good five minutes, tried to get me to sit next to her on the couch last night. She wanted me to sit with her she said, and we sat there, hand in hand, for a good part of the night. I felt loved and special and important to her, for one of the first times in my life. But still, even with these changes, it's still hard to be around them. Mostly because of the voids on both sides. Because of the loss. It's hard not to feel that, and I do, all the time.

When my Grandpa was at Hospice, I believe it was his last day alive, I had stayed with my Grandma so that my Aunt's and Uncles and dad could stay with my Grandpa and not have to worry about what was going on at home. I remember that day like it was yesterday. That was the day my two aunt's and I had to tell my Grandma that my Grandpa was going to die, not in a year or a month, but probably that night. And after we told her, she sobbed, and she sobbed, and she asked to be left alone. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle it because I knew what she was feeling, that void creeping up, that knowledge that it was the end. I had been there only a year before, and I have been there every single day since then. It's not something you ever get over. That feeling. That emptiness.

I couldn't handle the pain she was feeling, and I had to get away from it. I ran up the stairs, closed the door to the farthest room away from where she was and just paced. I couldn't cry, I didn't know how to cry, I just paced and paced, trying not to punch something, trying not to be present in my own life in that moment. It wasn't my moment, it wasn't my turn to cry, just like a year ago, it was my turn to stand tall and be strong. I must have been gone a while, because my aunt came up to try and find me. I'm always there, even if I'm quiet in the corner, I'm always there, no matter what. So when I left, I can't tell you how thankful I was that she noticed and came to find me. You know what the first thing she said to me was? "I was looking for you and couldn't find you, I was worried, are you ok?". My aunt, who had exhausted herself doing the same thing I had done with my Grandma, she came to see how I was, because she recognized how hard the situation had to be on me. Not only was I losing my Grandfather, but it was in the same fashion I had lost my Grandmother. A year, only a year, it was too soon, too painfully soon.

She came up and gave me a hug. And you know what she did? She sat with me. I told her I didn't know what I was supposed to feel because I had never gotten a chance to know him until the last few days of his life. That I stayed with him overnight while my Grandma was in the hospital (their roles reversed completely in less than 72 hours) because I knew he would tell me his story. Because I knew that if I volunteered, he would know I loved him. And I wanted to be there, for him, because he was my Grandfather. He contributed to my existence, my childhood, my adulthood, even in the smallest of ways, he was a part of me. And I also wanted to be there for my family, because out of almost all of them, I was qualified to handle the death up close. They'd never done it before, I had. If I would or could do anything for them my entire life to show them I loved them all, I knew it was that.

I told her I didn't know if I had a right to be sad, because I had to be strong for my dad and for her and my other aunt who had only the night before, had a nervous breakdown while she and I talked. The night before when we had made amends for something that caused us not to talk for 6 years. I told her I wanted to be strong for her, because even though she and I weren't close, she was my Godmother, and just because we weren't, it didn't mean I didn't want to be. It didn't mean I hadn't longed for it my entire life. I told her that we may not be close now, but there was room in my heart if she wanted in it. And so, we talked. We sat and talked for at least three hours. Alone. She told her about her life, that she and my uncle had separated. She told me about her growing up, she tried to explain to me and assure me that even though I never felt loved growing up by my Grandparents, they always loved me, and so did she. And we talked, and we talked, just the two of us. The course of that last week of his life changed my life. It truly did. I made amends, I opened my heart, I mourned, I connected with all of my cousins on a whole different level, I cried, I learned so much about my family, even though it was painful, it was life changing, and it was kind of amazing. That was the big thing in my life this year.

Needless to say, holidays with extended family make me think about death. A lot. And you know, I'm not afraid to die. I'm only twenty-two, sure, but if I died tomorrow, I would have no regrets. I've loved someone wholeheartedly who wasn't family, I was loved back. I experienced a broken heart, I broke someone's heart. I found love again after that broken heart. I've loved hard, I've protected harder. I've stood up for people and things I believed in. I made friends, I found some true ones. I've learned to trust people. I've lost the most important person in my life, and I survived it, grew from it, learned from it. I've become close to my brother, whom I hated my entire childhood. I graduated high school, and I'm close to graduating college. I found things I love enough to be passionate about. I've found a best friend. I've moved away from home, lived in another state, and grew up in the process. I became close to my parents because I had the courage to move away. I was able to repay my Grandmother for almost twenty-one years of pure love by being there for her while she died. I found myself, loved myself, and accepted myself for everything I am. I discovered I was gay, came out to all of my family and was accepted by every one of them. I had enough courage to love myself anyway, even if others wouldn't because of "what I am".

I worked my dream job, found my true calling, found what I was good at, succeeded, and made a difference and an impression. I've traveled the country, went to England, and befriended people from all over the world. I've read books about many things, I've studied the past, become a historian, I've listened to good music, eaten good food, laughed so hard I cried many times. I've written about hundreds of topics, written a book or two, written poetry, contributed culturally, even in the smallest of ways. I've smiled, I've cried, I've hugged, I've listened, I've been compassionate, I've made a difference to someone, I've changed someone for the better. I've been selfish, and unselfish, and learned when it is the right time for both things. I've been in excruciating physical pain, which has made me appreciate every second of life that isn't associated with it. I've faced intolerance, discrimination, and cruelty, but held my head high. I've watched the sunrise and set with someone I loved. I've sat outside and looked at the stars. I've walked through and spent time in nature, and appreciated it's beauty. I've been thankful, I've been loved, I've been encouraged, I've been appreciated, I've been complimented, I've been all these little tiny baby details that people sometimes forget on a daily basis.

Above all else, all the shit that goes on, all the loneliness, all the pain, all the sadness as of late, regardless, I have lived. For twenty-two years I've lived a good life. I've done things and learned things that some never ever get to do their entire lives. Above all else, I am happy. And you know, if I were to die tomorrow, the first thing I'd do after giving my Grandmother and Grandfather the biggest hugs, and tell them how much I missed them...would be to say thank you. Just, thank you.

Insomnia

Let me tell you a story of one of the worst things, ever. Chronic insomnia. To be exhausted, but not able to do anything about it, that helplessness, totally no fun. At all. This has been, continually, a problem I've had my whole life. I've never slept. And when I have, they certainly have never been normal hours. I'm a 6 am- noon kind of person (if I'm exceptionally lucky and have no classes, no responsibilities, no life). But, not by choice.

Like, tonight for instance. I decided, I'll go to bed at 11, get up early, work on my drawing a bit more, everything will be hunky dory. I was excited. So, in bed I was at 10:45…ok I never generally left bed today (4 day weekends at school are awful), but I had the teeth brushed, the fan on, the lights off, the computer closed, music off, PJs on (never really got out of those - minus the shower! today either, who am I kidding?), and I was ready for bed. Now usually, if I'm tired enough, I can be asleep in about half hour to forty-five minutes. I planned accordingly. So there I laid, my mind was blank (another problem most nights!) and I had nowhere to go or be or do or any of that. So, naturally, a normal person would drift off into sleep and dream lovely things for 7 or 8 hours, right? Well, not me. I laid there, and laid there, and laid there, until I basically got so bored trying to fall asleep, I gave up. So here it is, 6 (7) in the morning and I'm not only wide awake, but totally not happy about it. Hence the rant.

I mean, seriously, what the hell? My mom was having a conversation with a dear friend of ours when she visited me in Maryland over the summer, and I learned that I have never, ever spelt through the night. Not when I was a baby, not when I was a child, never. It's a bit pathetic. Granted, when I was a teenager, I pushed those bedtimes to the max, but what kid doesn't? And I totally could do it too, why not? Most kids, push it until midnight. I pushed it until 2, 3, 4 in the morning. Back in the day when I had to be up for school at 6:15 every morning. Not smart, right? I am able to function on about 2 hours of sleep. When discussing this in my Psychology class a few weeks ago, the teacher all but called me a freak. You must get sick often, non? Nope, never get sick. You must nap during the day. Nope, don't do that either. Once I'm up, I'm up. She's like, wow, bl-ok then, you're one lucky girl, next. Really? I'd rather sleep, thank you.

Now, most would say, sleeping pills! PMs! I say, hell to the no. Why? One Advil or Tylenol PM will knock me out. Cold. For about 24 hours. No exaggeration. So what happens when I take half? They do nothing. I just can't do it, can't take them even if I wanted to. I've been to doctors, nothing is wrong with me, I'm just not wired right or something. I don't know. But it sucks. It's also why I make friends in different time zones, and why I had a 4 year successful Californian long distance relationship, I'm up anyway, why not? Over the summer, when I was working like 17 hour days (uhg, ridiculous), I would be so exhausted I could hardly function. I was in bed by 9:30 and up at 5. But, you'd think as soon as my head would hit the pillow, I'd be out cold. Solid 8ish hours of sleep, right? Wrong. Asleep no earlier than 2:30, and had to be up no later than 5. It freaking sucked. The experience was wonderful, but I swear, it about killed me.

Now, I've tried everything under the sun to try and remedy this little predicament I've, well, honestly, been born with. I tried reading before bed, I tried all the various levels of noises (white, purple, etc.), tried classical music, thunderstorms, computer reading, drawing, writing, walking really late, different pillows, different bedding, blankets, different room temperatures (I do know I have nightmares without a fan - but I have to GET to sleep first), different bed height variations, different clothes, etc. You name it, I've tried it to fix this shit. Nothing helps.

So yes, you wanna know why I'm always awake? Me too. Me to the freaking too. I also would like to know how much more of a freak I can be on a regular basis. I know, right?

What Is Love?

"Love isn't about words,

I'm full of words, I'm a writer, I'm made of words.

Love is more than that.

Love is devotion.

Unplanned, unsaid, unselfish, and unexplained.

Nothing should be of more importance than your happiness to me.

And it isn't.

I am unquestioningly devoted to you."

And that is how I feel, every single day.

Even though I must remain anonymous.

I shall not remain so here.

The Contemplations of an Insomniac

I put my head to the pillow knowing it will be another night turned day
Fueled continuously by frustration with the unknown and unknowable
A struggle with the absurd, with apathy and ignorance
-Particularly my own
How can I sleep when there are so many things I don't yet know
A universe of truths I can't even comprehend

I build a nighttime library
Embroidered in the endless wisdom and ignorance of read
Leading only to more questions
Suffocating with the inability to sort truth from perspective
Frustrated with a humbling insecurity that pushes even me to complacency

And for a moment I don't know why I try
I will never achieve the forms, the tirade of questions will never end
But is this not the point of life?
Perpetually striving?

Beat driven, a tune that never ends
Replicated lives across the globe, enough distance to make them unique
And yet, so terribly alone
The solitary shadow of a philosopher struggles to find her place
An era, a city, a community of her own
A place so in-tune with her head and ideals that she can shut out the decrepitude of life outside the bubble
Maybe then she will sleep.

But for now, I am unable to shut off my own voices
A chorus of cacophony, where a single voice cannot be discerned
Consciousness isn't so much a conversation with oneself, but an argument with many selves

These are just snippets of ideas
Always short fragments of something larger
Something greater
But she can't yet see how the puzzle turns out
Though she's beginning to see the outline of the picture

Maybe that's what growing up is--seeing the truth for what it really is
Or maybe that's just another idea she'll grow to discard
Already too, too old to be this young
Too young and indignant to abhor the mindless repetition of the absurd
Hoping this contrast will illuminate the Good
Yearning to be able to create the beauty that she can see
A bumbling force for entropy

The sun's morning rays mock her sacred ambiguity
And as the safe seclusion of night disappears, her memories fade
Dripping like soft pebbles of sand through her open hands
All that remains are the scattered thoughts she committed to written words.

Peace To You

The Peace of Wild Things

Wendell Berry

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

Open & Honest

Many people look at me and wonder why I do not have many friends. I have even asked myself this same question while I was growing up. People used to and still do look down on me because of it. The friends I have had never appreciated me, they pegged me for advice, wanted me to pull them out of jams, used me as a shoulder, etc. I am happy to be that person for the people I care about. Even for complete strangers, I am comfortable in that role, it is a natural fit for me, always has been. Do not get me wrong, I love them all dearly, but to give, give, and get nothing in return is difficult. Therefore, my way of dealing with this is to limit the number I have. I could have a million relationships with people and call them friends, but they are just empty promises. Promises not to be there when I am sad or when I need a shoulder.

When my Grandma died, all the "friends" I thought I had, left. Apparently, the situation was too intense, too touchy to stick around. I get it, I really do. Death is not a fun situation to deal with. Since then, I have withheld from forming any close relationships. Mostly for my own protection, mostly out of fear. Not only did I lose my best friend to the rarest form of cancer (yes that is significant), but I also lost the only person I trusted completely. That was hard. It would be hard for anyone. I am not singling myself out for that. To lose that so suddenly, though, on top of all the other people in my life, was most difficult. It only added to the stress of the situation.

Every day and night for 3 months, I took care of her. I averaged in that time, maybe an hour of continuous sleep a night, if that, and no, I am not being drastic or exaggerating. It was draining, physically and emotionally. However, truth be told, it was the most important thing I have ever, or will ever, do with my life.

At the viewing and funeral, my mom and dad, aunt and uncle, brother, and cousins had all their friends there for support. I stood there empty inside, as the people I called friends slowly trickled off in the 3 months leading up to her death. I put on a brave face for my family. Shaking hands of crying strangers, acknowledging what "they" lost. The viewing was 5 hours long, a continuous line of visitors, and I swear I never want to hear “I’m sorry” ever again. My policy has become, if you don’t break my heart, kill my dog, insult someone in my family, or punch me in the face, you have nothing to apologize for. I took the role of the eldest grandchild, which was expected of me. I did this because I knew it was a time to celebrate my Grandma, time for other people’s grief. After that day I put mine on hold. I had promised her the night before she died, while I was sitting with her, rubbing her back like an ill child, that I would take care of my family. I would keep us together, that we would all be okay, that I would make sure of it. I promised her that.

Somehow, since then, my life has taken a back seat to emotion, to grief, to confusion. After that, I lost whatever grip over my emotions I had. Scrambling, confused, uncertain, but mostly scared. Since then, I have been emotionally raw. Unpredictable, stressed, grieving, I suppose. Mostly stuffing that grief, or so I have been told. I was also told that this method is not healthy, but I do it without awareness.

I used to pride myself in my ability to be rational, never letting emotion get in the way. Ever. Emotion is irrational, so, I never succumbed to it. And if I did, I did it privately for an hour and was done with it. Now, things have changed for me. I am emotional. I am raw. I will be the first to admit. I jump to conclusions; I make assumptions that I should not. I know this, I can see myself doing it, but I cannot stop it. I do not know how to be an emotional person, and I have not learned how to keep them in check.

Fear, anger, love, attraction, guilt, apprehension, trust, are now all things that scare the hell out of me. I wish to banish them, but they will not go away. When I am hurt, when I am scared, I resort to a person I do not know or understand. I am not making excuses; rather, realizing and accepting outwardly that I do not know how to handle them. Trust me, I personally am a very mature individual. If you knew me, really knew me, you would know the experiences I have dealt with in my life have made me grow up very quickly from an early age. However, I am immature with my feelings and my emotions. I know I am. I hate it more than anything, but it's who I am now. I will not apologize for it; I will not make excuses, either. It is just how it is until I can figure everything out, until I can learn how to deal with my grief.

Grief, what a nasty little word that is. It has transformed my life over the last year. Not in a bad way, per se. It has just changed me. As has losing someone whom I was so close to. All the people who have met me “since” then have been wonderful. I have learned to trust again, to an extent. As soon as I let my guard down, though, I get hurt. This is why I am still very guarded. Especially when I have a hard day, like today, where I miss my Grandma to a painful extent.

When something reminds me of her, a picture, an event, a video, a memory, a smell, a dream, I become emotionally raw. It is not something I am proud of, but it happens. On days such as these I lose my maturity, I lose my self-assurance, I act like a kid. On these days, I am not fun to be around. I have the ability to freak out and lose my head. I read into things, I over analyze, I over react. Jokes that may have been funny yesterday, deeply hurt me on other days. If you are close to me, you will know this. You will recognize it right away if you look for it.

Today was one of those hard days. I found a video I had made on this date a year ago of my Grandma that I had not seen. It showed her at a time right before things went downhill, and for some reason, I lost it. I didn't cry, I was just whole-heartedly sad. A pain weighed on my heart the whole day and I avoided having conversations. I couldn't even talk to my mom. Seclusion is the only way for me to deal with this. I understand that I need to reach out, but that vulnerability scares me. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know if I trust anyone enough yet to ask for help.

This, I will apologize for, the rash behavior. One of the bad things about being guarded and protective of my feelings is when I am not “fine”; people think I am a cruel or mean person. I promise, I am not. My true colors shine when someone I love is in need. Have you ever had a day where you just said, “screw the world”? Should we all be entitled to them occasionally? I think so.

From Good Friday until my birthday, I will guarantee that my emotions will be on the fritz. I cannot help it. Especially in this first year after her death. The “firsts” are the hardest. And until May 21^st, everything is a first for me. Whom I trust, whom I talk to, what I talk about, how I react, what I say, how I feel, what choices I make, all these things are new and different for me. For this, all I can ask is a little leeway. Hang tight until June 9^th. It will not be an entirely rocky road, but there will be days when I am extremely sad and overly emotional. I will apologize for them now, but, I warn you, I probably won’t own up to them until the next day. I get so clouded with emotion and frustration and anger that I can’t see or think clearly. When this happens, I tend to stay away from people, but sometimes this is unavoidable.

I am not writing this to a person, I am not writing this towards an event, although those have influence, certainly. Things have opened my eyes and I have been thinking about writing this down for some time. I am writing this as a collective “sigh” to everyone. A collective outreach to anyone who knows how hard dealing with the firsts is. This is a collective sharing. Something that is extremely rare for me.

To those whom I have the privilege of calling friend, I love you. All of you. I know it has and will be a rocky road, but thank you for sticking by me on this journey. Thank you for showing me that life goes on after death. That through people, through friends, through family, grief and the pain of losing someone is lessened.

If you are a new friend, I hope this has left you with a better understanding of me. Someday things will be semi-normal. Someday, hopefully soon, I will learn to better talk about my feelings, some day I will trust people to listen, to understand, to notice the signs and to be there for me, and not run away, as did those a year ago. Someday I will be able to trust the people in my life with my feelings, but that is not today.

If I have shared with you, if I have confided in you, if I have told you I trust you, if I have told you I love you, feel honored, because I mean it whole-heartedly. I don’t say things like that very often. You are one of few, I promise you that. If I have not, it is nothing personal, I still value everything you give to me as a friend and hope to grow with you in friendship. All I ask is for a little patience, a little understanding, a little faith. If I have been there for you during a hard time, if you care about me, please hold onto that person on bad days.

I love you all. You know who you are.

Quote of the Day:

"At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. We pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day - those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need."

Lyric of the Day:

"Anchors away, I can't promise you that everything will be okay. All I can say, is when the water comes, so will the horizon."

Just Some Poems

When I think of you,

Tears fill my eyes

I miss what we once had,

I feel a piece of me is missing,

That piece is you.

You were so close to me,

I counted on you every day

We laughed, and loved,

And now it feels like it's all gone away

Not that piece of me is missing,

I sorely do miss it.

I search, but do not find.

I would do anything to again be whole,

To again have you in my life,

To laugh with you,

To hug you,

To tell you once more,

I love you.

________________

Never-ending on beginning,

Oh an ever-spinning reel

Like a snowball down a mountain,

Or a carnival balloon

Like a carousel that's turning

Running rings around the moon

Like a clock whose hands are sweeping

Past the minutes on its face

And the world is like an apple

Spinning silently in space

Like the circles that you find

In the windmills of your mind.