Just Some Poems

When I think of you,

Tears fill my eyes

I miss what we once had,

I feel a piece of me is missing,

That piece is you.

You were so close to me,

I counted on you every day

We laughed, and loved,

And now it feels like it's all gone away

Not that piece of me is missing,

I sorely do miss it.

I search, but do not find.

I would do anything to again be whole,

To again have you in my life,

To laugh with you,

To hug you,

To tell you once more,

I love you.

________________

Never-ending on beginning,

Oh an ever-spinning reel

Like a snowball down a mountain,

Or a carnival balloon

Like a carousel that's turning

Running rings around the moon

Like a clock whose hands are sweeping

Past the minutes on its face

And the world is like an apple

Spinning silently in space

Like the circles that you find

In the windmills of your mind.

What's In A Name?

In writing an email to a friend of mine this...eveni...morning...I had a thought.  And when Elise gets thoughts that are not crap, she writes them in this lovely little blog.  Do not ask me why, but that's just how things work these days.  Oh, and Elise also refers to herself in the third person, just to clarify that.

Anywho, I was thinking, I guess, as I finished off the email with my "signature", do we really become our names?  Now, don't laugh, this came to me at 3:30 in the morning.  I looked at it, my eyes lulling me to sleep, and said, am I an Elise?  First of all, what the heck is an Elise?  You look at it, ponder some, (or maybe that's just a little indigestion from dinner), so you're pondering, and thinking, hmm that word looks odd.  Foreign, maybe.  Well, I am odd, I suppose, you should ask me about my sleeping habits; and depending on which person you're asking, I might be foreign.  That's a bit of an odd rational, I know, but stay with me.  So, odd and foreign, possibly, but what else?

My name wasn't always as, for lack of a better word, understood as it is becoming today.  What can I say, I've shot it to stardom, or something like that.  But back in the day, when I was wee tot, I had a funny name that nobody, and by nobody, I mean no-frickin'-body knew how to say.  Adults thought it was pretty once they were corrected (or maybe they just felt dumb for getting a five letter word wrong), nevertheless, I spent the better part of my childhood enunciating my name.  Eh, who am I kidding, my Humanities teacher still says it wrong every time he calls on me, I just no longer care enough to correct people who get it wrong now.  Anyway, back to the tale, so after that was clarified (then anyway) Uh-lee-ce (for those still unsure) I had to explain why the heck my parents named me that.  It went a little something like this:  "Blah, blah, blah, Somewhere In Time, oh never heard of it?  Me either.  Apparently the lady from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman was in it with Superman.  My mom was pregnant with me when they went to see it, and apparently decided that she should be my namesake, I don't know, your guess is as good as mine, so can I go play at recess now?"

Yeah, something like that.  Isn't that cool?  I mean, being named after a love story and everything?  I'm just feelin' the love.  Ok, back to the story again, they'd tell me it was a grown up name, and how pretty it was.  I just smiled and rolled my eyes (only on the inside though), and said thanks.  

Hey - I knew I was cool, not everybody gets a song written Fur them by Beethovan.  So, back to topic, have I become my name?  I'm not sure.  I like it though, it's unique, I don't think it rolls off the tongue very well, so I guess if you know me, you have to think about me before you say the name.  That's kind of cool I guess.  I think the name is rather pretty in a sense, elegant perhaps, and, I'm pretty sure I'm not elegant, so maybe that doesn't fit.  I don't know, when I look in the mirror, I don't see Elise, I see me.  When you look at me, who do you see?  Elise?  Or just that girl over there who has a funny name?  Well, like I said when I was younger, your guess is as good as mine.

P.S.  If you've never seen the movie, it is actually quite beautiful and romantic. Very simple filmography, minus the traveling in back in time thing, but a real delight.  I'd recommend it, made me cry, and I don't really do the crying because of movies thing.  I adore Jane Seymore, and she was ravishing in that movie.  I actually just got around to watching it this summer, only took me twenty-one years to do so, funny, right?

Song of the Day:  

"I Want Something That I Want" - Grace Potter & Bethany Joy Galeotti

Lyrics of the Day: 

"Everyday my dreams will get bigger

Then I hear there's nothing

I can dream hasn't been dreamt before

So I water my little faith

And hope for the better"

-Then Slowly Grows: Bethany Joy Galeotti

Brain Drain; Snuggle Fest

She has my heart!!

My bestest!!

I have decided, as it is 5:24 in the morning and I have been awake for 25 hours now, that this weekend shall consist of nothing that will require me to think extensively.  While I love my classes, and my professors (truly I do!), and will not complain about anything school related (I am, in fact, paying to torture myself) but to put it honestly, my brain hurts to think at this moment in time.  One can only projectile vomit so much information in one day, let alone one whole week of it.  Therefore, I have earned a rest.

Now, I am one who loves to think, to ponder, hell I even have intellectual conversations with myself in order to write them down for future pondering.  I realize this sounds ridiculous, however, listen to a few of my friends speak for more than five minutes and you will understand.  I used to have these discussions with my Grandma, or my mother.  Well, you know about my Grandma, and my mom is too busy to entertain me for longer than five minutes.  All is well though.  And, just for the record, if any of my friends are reading this, I of course A. deny having said anything of the sort and B. am not talking about you.

I am just joshing everyone, I adore my friends.  Although, none of them likely read this so, that is their loss.  Yes, the joys of friendship, taking the good with the bad, along with everything else they can throw at me.  My life, to sum it up briefly, is full of the utmost contradictions.  Seriously.  I sat down one evening with a pen and a journal (quite a pretty looking, glossy black one I might add) and wrote some 45 pages of things in my life that contradict each other.  I love it, ask to read it someday if you are in my room, you will be entertained, promise.

I must cut this entry short, I apologize, but I must sleep.  I'm looking forward to a day full of puppy loving tomorrow, or rather, in a few hours.  Yes, my Lexi; she seems to barely tolerate my obsessive loving and snuggling and kissing on her while I am home.  She would deny it fully and faithfully if you ever asked her, but she misses me when I'm gone, she doesn't fool me.

P.S.  Yes I realize that my colors of purple change from post to post.  I either forget which one I used previous, that which is my favorite (because I like so much purple!), or I like to mix it up a little bit, keep you on your toes.  You will never know which it is.  : )

Happiness?

I have often wondered what people seek when they believe what they want is happiness or love.  To define happiness is something that is indefinable, in my opinion.  It is said in terms of many things, but to each their own.  To each person, happiness is only understood from their own heart.  Many people will try to tell you this or that is wrong, or that isn't really happiness, or you aren't supposed to feel that when doing such and if you perceive it as happiness, you are screwed up.  Now, before we think - murder - or anything crazy like that, let's digress back.  Anyway, to expect a shared sense of happiness is to find another who has touched your heart.  While the heart is associated with love, what is to say that it can't be synonymous with happiness as well?  All emotions are associated with the brain, of course, however, when you feel what it is to be in love or to be truly happy, you feel it elsewhere.  And this deferred sensation spreads warmth and tranquility throughout the body.

To know happiness is to be in touch with oneself.  To know love, you must be able to love yourself first.  So many people believe that the love of another will make them whole, but I do not agree.  If  you are able to love yourself then, and only then can you really appreciate the love of another.  I think that's why this society has so many divorces and so much unhappiness.  We are slammed with ideas of the perfect wedding, of TV shows like the Bachelor, of ideas that we are never enough with magazines and medicine for every little thing.  I think we've lost the idea that loving oneself is just as important as loving another.  After all, how can we know what loving another feels like if we do not have love for ourselves?

Once this personal acceptance occurs, it is possible to recognize the ability to find your inner happiness in someone else.  The beauty of love is that is transcends all and it knows all.  It knows pain, but forgives, it knows compassion, kindness, worry, doubt, joy, peace, trust, calmness; to know all of these gives us as individuals an opportunity to learn.  In learning we associate good things to happiness.  In loving another there is a great risk of heartache or of failure, but with that great risk, the serendipitous possibility of finding it is practically overpowering.

Sometimes, however, I believe that people seek out the wrong thing when they say they are looking for happiness.  This is because happiness is not a "thing" or and "action".  Rather, it is something that must come from inside.  If you are not in touch with your inner self, if you do not love yourself, your concept of happiness will never be fulfilled.  I believe we make our own heaven and we also have the ability to make our own hell.  Those individuals seek to find things to replace that hell, saying it is happiness they lack, however, is this true?  It's a frame of mind; there are things that bring happiness, of course, and understanding these things help to bring our paths closer to happiness.  

For example, what is to understand the beauty of a lullaby from a mother's heart?  What is it to understand a sunset?  We can see the sunset, and we can hear a lullaby, but to understand them you must search deep inside yourself and understand what those things bring to your own happiness.  

For me, sunrises and sunsets are beautiful.  The universe opens and closes a new day with beauty, and that gives me hope.  No matter how horrible things can be in one day, look outside and see that the day ends with something beautiful.  It also brings a sense of stability, like the stars or the mood or the sun.  No matter how scary or crazy or stressful a day can be the moon is always out at night, the stars always flicker, the sun rises with beauty and the day is closed with the beauty of a sunset.  I understand that part of myself, why I love them, and I enjoy each and every one of them every day, they bring me happiness, because I've taken the time to understand what they mean to me.  Also, for me, whenever I hear You Are My Sunshine or My Favorite Things, I always am taken back to falling asleep while my mom sung them to me.  While I've sought to find copies of those songs to have now, none of them ever compare to my mom's voice late at night.  There was just something about her touch as I was falling asleep, and her voice in song that comforted me.  The way she sung them was perfect to me, and brings me happiness and peacefulness whenever I try and remember her voice.  Every time I have trouble sleeping I try and remember how I felt at those times, and it always helps me to drift off.

The point of all this, I suppose, is to empower anyone reading this to love themselves.  Find things that make you truly happy, for yourself before anyone else, and then share them.  Teach someone what it means to love yourself, yes it is possible.  Give someone a hug, listen to them when they need to talk, tell them to love themselves for who they are.  If everyone understood this, I think there would be a lot less sad people.  If you can't find love for yourself, when you have to live with yourself every day of your life, than that would be a very sad life.  Those people just don't look hard enough inside themselves.  So look deep and love you, find happiness, find love, and live it, all of it.

Song of the Day:  Those Sweet Words - Norah Jones

Lyrics of the Day:  

"They shine a little brighter, the feel a little more

They touch your life in ways no one has ever done before

They love a little stronger, they live to give their best

They make our lives so blest, so why do they go so soon?

The ones with souls so beautiful..."

Spirits Among Us

Yesterday morning I got up early and went for a walk, which has become a bit of a routine for me.  It makes my day so much easier when I can get all my thoughts and feelings out at once and in the morning so that I do not have the pressures of said things weighing on my mind all day.

Anyway, as I came near my farthest destination I came across a baby bird.  A beautiful green and yellow, quite cute actually.  He looked scared so I walked cautiously around him, and when he didn't fly away I stopped and sat down near him by the grass.  I thought maybe I should move him from the pavement so that he doesn't get stepped on by someone, or run over by something else.  I crouched down really close to him, only a few inches, talked to him a little bit to try and calm him down, although, I'm not sure that helped much.  I wasn't sure what to do, but I felt bad for him, so I continued on to finish my walk and would see if he was still there on the way back in about fifteen minutes.

Well, when I came back, there he was, in the middle of the sidewalk.  I felt so bad for him, being so small and alone, crying out for his mother.  I sat down close to him again and just as I made up my mind to move him to the grass (there are worms, and maybe his parents would find him and be able to feed him if they knew he was more safe), he flies up into the nearby tree.  It brought a smile to my face.  Actually, it made me think of my Grandma.  Maybe it was her, maybe it wasn't, but I remember one of the last days she was alive, while she was sleeping I took my camera outside in their backyard to take pictures of all the beautiful Finches that were eating from their bird feeder.

While the concept of a spirit of a loved one coming to us through visual reminders seems a bit far fetched, it could be accurate.  When we found out that my Grandma was in fact going to die from the disease, we all were together and talked to her about what she was going to come back to us as.  I never really got into the conversation because I was still a little messed up about the whole situation, but my Grandma was a firm believer that it could happen.  I mean, they don't actually have to be coming through as that animal or that butterfly or that smell, but maybe they are able to send those messages, right time right place kind of thing to us to help us remember them.  I know it made me think of her, and that really helps being able to look back on those things.

Another example, well, two in fact, happened to me during the summer.  I had taken to spending a lot of time outside, just sitting and enjoying the beautiful weather.  It's just something that helped me in dealing with things.  Well, one day I found a baby bunny, one of Lexi's (my dog's) favorite things to chase outside of squirrels and chipmunks.  Well, I felt so bad for it that I grabbed Lexi, shoved her inside, and tried to chase the bunny away before it could be chased.  I followed it over to the fence and it just sat there looking at me.  I got about a foot from it and took its picture, but it just sat there, now - what bunny just sits and lets a human get that close to it?  

One of the last days of being home before going back to school I was outside again, reading, listening to music, it was late in the day, the sun was going down, it was just beautiful out.  Well, all of the sudden I hear this ridiculous noise fly by my ear, it was like nothing I'd ever heard before.  I screamed of course, thinking it was the biggest bug of all time, and looked in front of me, and there was a beautiful hummingbird.  Just hovering over some almost dead flowers from my Grandma's viewing.  I had never seen one up close before, certainly never had one fly literally 2 inches from my face.  It made me think of my Grandma, and of course I ran in and told my mom.  She then told me about a time when her and my Grandpa were out in my Grandma's garden soon after she died and they saw one, and my Grandpa told her he thought it was Grandma.  I mean these little coincidences couldn't all be such, could they?

Either way, it just is a cool thought to think that she could be coming back and bringing happiness to us again, just like she did when she was alive.  I'm thankful for these experiences, whether they are her or not, because regardless, they have made me think of her.  And to me, that is all that is important.

Song of the Day:  In The Red - Tina Dico

-This is probably one of the most heart breaking - most romantic songs I've ever heard.  It's amazing and I love it.

"Love is a thousand shades of grey

And we know

There's not a safe or certain way to go

But when we've seen all, uneasiness and hate, it will show

That is all means nothing, it all means nothing, nothing at all"

Exhaustion

This week has been an interesting one for sure.  It amazes me how exhausted one can be after only a week of classes.  My brain was very out of shape for learning.  Maybe, rather, my brain has just been overloaded over the summer and now it hates me.  I do not know.  What I do know is that I'm tired.  And being sad on top of that doesn't help.

I am having a bit of a hard time being at school.  Don't get me wrong, I love it here, I love being with friends again, I love going to class, having a purpose, feeling like I'm accomplishing something with my life by being here.  But then again, it's lonely too.  In a different way than a physical loneliness.  It's more of a spiritual one I think.  I don't know how to fill that void out.  I don't know if I want to.  No, I'm not depressed, it's different, it's just sadness in its purest form.  I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I don't want people to pretend everything is perfect either.  I just want someone to try to understand, even just someone who will listen.  So far, nobody wants that role.  I call, nobody answers, I reach out, other things are more important it seems.  That's ok, I understand, I wouldn't want to deal with me either.  I guess my Grandma was the only person who ever really really wanted to hear it.  Maybe that should end with her.  Sometimes I wonder why the brain makes your heart feel pain but won't allow you to cry.  It seems cruel.

I've started walking again.  And when I walk, I walk far, like 4 or more miles there and 4 miles back far (depending on where I go maybe farther).  It may not seem like a lot, but that's far for my old hips.  Lol.  But I find solace in that time, I almost wish I could run it sometimes, but then again, if I was running, I couldn't think as much and as deeply.  I have found a special place just for me where I just sit and look up at the stars for a while.  Especially in the winter.  I love that.  It's my secret though, ok, it isn't really a secret, but nobody goes there just to think I'm sure.

On another note I find reading other people's blogs fascinating.  The thing I love about them is that everyone is doing the same thing, trying to understand life, to enjoy life, to live life.  I find that honorable, even if it's just in a little blog.  I was really touched by this song tonight, it's a bit ridiculous because of who sung it, but she was good when her first album came out.

I'm With You - Avril Lavigne

"I'm looking for a place

I'm searching for a face

Is anybody here I know

Cause nothing's going right

And everything's a mess

And no one likes to be alone"

Beginning Anew

Well, I have resisted this long in creating one of these, partially because I figured, like Xanga or LiveJournal, I would never use it.  But as college life resumes and people are asking questions, I thought I would give it a go!  

As my inaugural entry I thought I would talk about one of my favorite things....Disney movies!  : )  My mom had asked me to make her a ringtone from The Little Mermaid, since it is one of my favorite, certainly most self-associated Disney flicks that I have loved since I was small.  So, I did so, Part Of Your World is pretty much an accurate depiction of my life if you think about it.  A young women, different from everyone else, having so much yet longing for so much more in life, yearning for a world where she feels she belongs.  Well, welcome to my life.  One of my favorite parts from that song is when she talks about how you can only get so far by flipping your fins and how she longs to participate in the outside world. 

And if you know me, you know that fits me.  How I swam for so long, loved it more than anything, but got sick of doing it and wanted more out of life.  And also, how I would give anything to be able to run and jump and dance like every one else.

Anyway, yeah, I love that movie.  So I decided to Youtube some of the broadway play.  I've spent the last 3 hours watching clips from it.  Let me tell you, Sierra Boggess who plays Ariel is amazing.  When I was in Maryland for my doctors appointment during Spring Break we made a trip up to  New York and it killed me that we couldn't go to it!  It had just been released and :sigh: I wish I had had the money and time to go.

Anyway, enough of that!  My new room, I will tell you about it!  It's cozy, comfy, and perfect for one!  I have my beds in an "L" shape for the first time, and I love it like that.  I have a great view out my window, of a courtyard and trees.  I can't wait for mid October when the leaves are so beautiful here.  They are already starting to turn and I am excited!  I just ordered 2 posters to decorate my, as of now, bare walls.  They are the pictures at the top, because, I love them.  I still haven't figured out the workings of this blog thing, so if they are a little bit oddly placed, sorry!

I've had a few friends stop by, and it has been fun just hanging out with my "other" family, being happy and smiling again.  In fact, if any of you are reading this, and you live in Burnam, my door is unlocked and you can come on in!  I'm looking forward to some of my friends from home coming down here and sharing my school world with me.  At least, they better....ha

Not much else to report, I started classes today, and I LOVE them.  I cannot wait to soak up as much information as I can.  I love my professors and can't wait to get back into the swing of things.  It's weird because 5 people from one of my classes last semester are actually in one of my classes this semester.  And then, at least six people come from my 9:30 class and go to my 11:00 class!  That has never happened before.  Plus!  I am in all the same rooms this semester as I was in last!  Odd.

Well, to be honest, I get much sleep last night.  I got hooked on a TNT movie around 2ish, didn't go to bed until 5ish, and woke up at 7:30.  So, I think I'm going to enjoy a nice nap to some good music, and just love my life even more!  Also, my song of the moment is an old school Alanis Morrisette song:  You Live, You Learn.  I think it is so true!  Google the lyrics, I think you will agree. 

"You live, you learn, you love, you learn, you cry, you laugh, you learn".

-E